Psycho SI !
by FutariNoHissha
Summary: A new chapter is up! Of course! Sex, drugs, and demon lords all around. We skipped the rock 'n roll. Oh, and Ritsuko gives a brief explanation of bowels. NOT a story for the whole family. Or for you. This story isn't even for your dog.
1. The Beginning, the Horror

Disclaimer: Worldmage and The Dane are property of themselves

Disclaimer: Worldmage and The Dane are property of themselves. (Naturally!) Gainax, on the other hand, owns NGE, and of course we make no profit outta this and if you sue us the combined might of the armies of otaku and the penguin legions of the mutt-god CUJO (not to mention CUJO himself) shall strike you down with fury, herring, and many other nasty things. ^_^ Have a nice day!

Sucky, Involuntary SI

Or, "How to make Mary-Sue Bleed."

The place: NERV central dogma. The time: Thursday, 3:57pm. All is calm.

As usual, the bridge crew are indulging in their favorite pastimes: one of the techs is playing air-guitar, another sits and reads his comics. The third is staring into space, trying not to think about a purple alligator. It's hard, man. Try it.

The head scientist of NERV, Ritsuko Akagi, sits by her desk. She is idly watching "Tenchi Muyo!" files on her laptop in an effort to pick up tips on how to be the coolest mad scientist ever. She is juiced up on caffeine, nicotine, and other substances that would likely kill a lesser person.

Ritsuko thinks to herself, _I gotta find a way to get a bigger jolt outta this stuff. I finally found out how to keep my teeth white and remove the tar from the cigarettes—maybe I should switch to cigars..._

Meanwhile, Ikari Gendo and his second-in-command, Fuyutsuki Kozo, are sitting in the commander's office, playing mah-jongg.

Gendo: I, the unmatchable master of strategy, win again. You owe me 500 yen.

Fuyutsuki: I think you're cheating. No one can be THAT lucky!

Gendo: You shouldn't hold grudges, sensei. Don't be such a sore loser; it does not befit you. …Neener neener. [Sticks out tongue and pulls at eyelid.]

Fuyutsuki glares at the commander and sighs. _I might as well pay up; it isn't as if it would make any kind of a dent in my budget._ He takes a bill out of his pocket and slides the money over the table to the commander.

Gendo [smirking]: Domo, Sensei.

Suddenly, klaxons begin to wail. A few also weep and gnash their teeth, but Section Four agents quickly beat them into submission. Techs are scurrying all over the place, assuming their battle-stations with the ease of those who have tried it a thousand times before, and succeeded at least twice.

Gendo assumes his position at the podium overlooking the main control room, with Fuyutsuki by his side.

Gendo: Status report.

Katsuragi Misato looks up from the screen that she has been scanning, and shouts back.

Misato: We have some sort of energy-flux coming from God-knows-where!

Maya [aside to Aoba]: I know where. You may want to get out of that chair.

Lt. Aoba [aside to Maya]: Does this mean I need to worship you?

Maya [whispering and blushing]: Don't get me started.

Fuyutsuki: Can you track it?

Gendo: Hey, I'm giving the orders here! Okay?

Fuyutsuki: Sorry, commander…

Gendo: Can you track it?

Misato: No, sirs. We are at this time unable to locate its precise position.

Hyuga [whispering to Maya]: Yeah, like that's any kind of new 'round here...

All three 'bridge bunnies' giggle until Misato silences them with a Businesslike Glare of Death.

Suddenly, a rift appears in the air, hanging over the middle of the bridge. It spits sparks and makes noises as if trying to play techno and classical music simultaneously. All three 'bridge bunnies' glance at each other and take cover on the far side of their consoles, peering over the top at the readouts.

Ritsuko: WHAT THE HELL?! What's the reading on this thing?

Aoba: We can't identify it, but it's not Angel-related. The Magi report a Code Green, with 98% probability of dimensional conflagulation and 47% probability that Momiji's panties will have birds on them.

Suddenly two figures appear out of the rift, both coughing. The larger one lands comfortably in Hyuga Makoto's chair; the other ends up cross-legged on the controls and polishes his glasses.

Worldmage [to self in an undertone]: Damn, it was "shi-ha-kol," not "shekel." Drek. Mist. Crap.

Worldmage [out loud, to The Dane]: That was unpleasantly like being drunk.

The Dane: What's so unpleasant about being drunk?

Worldmage: You ask a glass of water.

{In memory of Douglas Adams… we'll miss you, old boy.}

The Dane: FUCK! Where the hell did that spell send us?

Worldmage: Beats me...

The one with the glasses looks around and considers.

Worldmage: Um, you remember Central Dogma and the Geofront bridge from watching NGE, right?

The Dane is busy brushing ash and dust, and a few parts of frogs better left unnamed, off his clothes.

The Dane: Yeah—your point being?

Worldmage: I think that's where the spell sent us.

The Dane sweatdrops, as does Worldmage.

The Dane [in the spirit of an epiphany]: Did we just sweatdrop?

Worldmage [frowning]: Yeah, I think so...

The Dane: Cool, I always wondered what it would be like. ^_^

Worldmage almost facefaults but resists after realizing the implications of going SD. Meanwhile, commander Ikari is the first of the NERV crew to regain his composure.

Gendo: Identify yourselves! Who are you and how did you get in here?

The Dane and Worldmage glance at each other and shrug.

Worldmage & The Dane [in perfect synch]: We dunno! Beats us! We're just innocent fanfic authors.

Worldmage [whispering to The Dane]: Do you think they'll buy that one?

Gendo snarls and presses a button on his desk console.

Gendo: Security, we have a breach in Central Dogma, in the bridge section. Send enforcers to remove the intruders immediately!

In the meantime, the two authors seem oblivious of the fate bearing down on them.

The Dane [shouting]: You insane Kabbalist! You said the spell would work!

Worldmage [angrily]: If you hadn't been making thought-noise, it would've!

The Dane [flustered]: Who the hell told you that you could set the language to Yiddish?

Worldmage [confused]: I thought that if you knew German, Yiddish would be a picnic.

Suddenly two guys even larger than the 6'4" Dane enter Central Dogma.

Worldmage [gesturing with his hands in front of him]: Hadou-ken! [Nothing happens.] Crap, I'm out of energy. You'll have to take care of them.

NERV security 1: We're taking you two into custody. Come along quietly now.

Security 2: If you cooperate, we won't have to hurt you… badly.

The Dane grins as he sizes up the two men. He cracks his knuckles and walks over to them.

The Dane: Do you know any martial arts?

Security 1: Yes, I have a third-rank black belt in Jiu-jitsu.

The Dane [grinning]: Are you game for a little match?

Security 2: If you resist, we will be compelled to use forceful measures.

The Dane: Provided you have time to reach your guns.

The Dane quickly kicks one in the nuts, then breaks the other one's nose with a jab to the face. He gives the first a sideways boot to the head, spins, and punches the lights out of the other, who is otherwise occupied holding his broken nose.

Worldmage picks up the lights off of the floor and puts them in his pocket, glancing around to make sure everybody is distracted by the fight. The Dane finishes with a flourish and claps his hands together.

The Dane [smugly]: Hey, this self-insert business isn't such a bad thing after all. I might get to li—

A bullet whizzes by his ear and hits the wall behind him. Both authors hurriedly take cover behind each other as the commander reveals his personal sidearm.

Gendo [in a stone-cold voice… slate, to be precise]: The next one shall be between your eyes, gaijin!

The Dane [sarcastically, from behind a chair]: I resent that. That's racism. I'm suing you. Come, my friend, [turns to Worldmage] we're outta here. [To Gendo]: You'll be hearing from my attorney!

The Dane snaps his fingers and grins. Nothing happens. He snaps his fingers repeatedly, grinning less and less each time. Everybody stares at the strange white guy furiously snapping his fingers.

Worldmage [whispering]: I think that the spell accidentally deactivated our author powers.

The Dane's eyes suddenly seem about to pop out of his skull.

Worldmage [still whispering]: And if you read Gendo's aura, it looks like he's a—

The Dane: WHAT?! DEACTIVATED?!

The Dane proceeds to curse so fiercely that Maya, after a moment of shock, covers her ears and rocks back and forth whimpering. The other techs just sit and listen in amazement as Misato's jaw hits the floor and Ritsuko procures from the pocket of her lab coat an array of Shinto wards against demons, indigestion, and other assorted evils. Even Gendo, Fuyutsuki and Worldmage have grown very large sweatdrops and are staring with varying levels of awe and horror.

At that moment, the pilots arrive in response to the alarm. As they come within earshot of The Dane's voice, Shinji's ears begin to bleed and Rei's eyes widen. Asuka blinks, assessing the vocabulary. She then fishes out a pad of paper and takes notes.

The big Northman finally shuts up, and Gendo sighs in relief. After receiving a sidelong glance from Fuyutsuki, he regains his composure and folds his hands.

Gendo [sneering]: Are you quite finished?

The Dane [growling]: Don't make me come up there and open up a can o' whoop-ass, old man!

Gendo [coldly, lifting his gun again]: I am in control. I hold the weapon.

Fuyutsuki [in an undertone to Gendo]: Perhaps we can use this to our advantage against SEELE. The tall one implied that the other, with the glasses, is a Kabbalist. And if the tall one knows something of magic as well, we might have a chance of getting the upper hand here.

Gendo lowers his weapon and growls.

Gendo [to the authors]: Let us make a deal. You can avoid imprisonment if you agree to live under Major Katsuragi's supervision and work for NERV under her authority.

Asuka: Cool, then that guy can teach me some new swear words. It'll be great, right Shinji? Shinji?

Asuka looks at Shinji, who is standing in a state of shock with blood trickling out of his ears, breathing shallowly and mumbling about Europeans. Asuka sighs and tells Misato to get medics to take Shinji to sickbay. Meanwhile, Misato has thought of some objections to the commander's orders.

Misato: So many people won't fit in my apartment. It's too small.

Gendo [snorts]: Then NERV shall provide sufficient lodgings for all of you. Then you can take care of the First Children as well.

Misato groans as she suddenly realizes that she will now be responsible for another three neurotic youngsters, and furthermore that she will have to redraw the maps she uses for getting home after her weekend benders. The moving process itself will be a royal pain as well.

Worldmage [to The Dane]: Umm… did you agree to this?

The Dane: No. But until our author powers come back, we don't have much choice. Let's play along.

Fuyutsuki [chuckling]: Commander, don't you think the workload will be too much for even a woman such as Miss Katsuragi?

Gendo [pondering]: You have a point, sensei.

Gendo grins evilly as an idea pops into his mind, much in the same manner as those fuzzy things pop up when one is playing "Whack-a-mole."

Gendo: Dr. Akagi. You will assist Major Katsuragi in taking care of the children and the two subjects.

Ritsuko is at a total loss for words, but speaks anyway.

Ritsuko: WHAT? You can't do that to me, commander! We won't have anywhere except the lab to… I mean, what about my cats and stuff?

Gendo [almost chuckling]: There shall be sufficient space for those as well. We're talking a mansion here. [Winking] I'm sure that ALL space arrangements will be taken care of properly.

Ritsuko grumbles a bit, but gives up.

Ritsuko [to self]: Dammit, he's in that mood again. Why can't I ever come out on top?

Misato: You like it on top?

[...]

[Time passes… it can't seem to help doing that.]

By the next afternoon, everyone is installed in the new house provided for Misato, Ritsuko, and their charges. Shinji has been released from the hospital. Misato and Kaji have "accidentally" run over most of Ritsuko's cats with their cars—not that anybody can tell the difference. The Dane and Worldmage have been established with a futon and several changes of clothing each, and the household chores reapportioned.

As of about two in the afternoon, the adults are at NERV, doing secret NERV stuff. Shinji and the Worldmage are in the kitchen, arguing the relative merits of pasta and white sauce versus rice with curry. Rei is in her room, communing with… whatever she communes with all day. Asuka and The Dane are sitting in the living room of the new Katsuragi/Akagi household. The Dane is enjoying a pair of cold Yebisu Beers, one drink and one fanfic. Asuka is chugging down some mineral water, trying to think of ways to get alcohol and invective from the new arrival.

The Dane: You know, I might get used to this. If I could only get my hands on some Danish beer…

Asuka: You can't. Your country was flooded in the 2nd Impact.

The Dane: Stop reminding me. At least they had the common sense to abandon the ship when they saw it sink. You krauts just stayed put and figured that you would be spared, since the Danes were there to take the brunt of the tidal wave.

Asuka: At least I have a country.

The Dane: Well so do I, in the time I come from. Sit on that, rotate, and enjoy!

Asuka [in German]: WAS? Perverser Mensch! Schweinhund! Verdammte Däne! Es soll Ihnen—

The Dane: Stuff it, barky. Or I'll throw you off the roof and see how long it takes you to learn how to fly.

Asuka throws a book at The Dane and leaves in a huff. A moment later, Worldmage enters and shoots The Dane an annoyed look.

The Dane: What? She deserved it. She was violating my nationality and my personal integrity.

Worldmage [sips a cup of tea, mutters sarcastically]: What integrity? [More seriously] Really, we can't go upsetting the locals. You'll never get a woman in this world if you go on acting like that, you know.

The Dane: You know I'm gonna throw this can at you when I'm done.

Worldmage: I sense some bad vibes coming from the sofa. Ooohhh…

Worldmage chuckles and calmly sips his tea. Then he straightens as he remembers something.

Worldmage: Hey, listen to this: we're speaking Japanese!

The Dane [thinks about it]: You're right! Damn, that's great!

Worldmage: But you were cussing in Danish earlier. And I can still speak Yiddish, Hebrew, and English. I checked. And all of a sudden, I can read all the katakana and hiragana, and a handful of kanji.

The Dane [after consideration]: I've retained all of my languages too. Yeah, I can read some of the labels on the can here… Dammit! That stupid spell of yours still screwed us over!

The Dane finishes his beer and chucks the can half-heartedly at Worldmage—and, of course, misses him by a long shot, mostly because his target has wandered back into the kitchen.

Discovering that he is Bored (not just your ordinary boredom), The Dane embarks upon a crusade to cause general mischief. He tracks down the Third Children out in the garden, and…

The Dane: Come on, Shinji, you know you want to.

Shinji: But I heard that it hurts. A lot.

The Dane chuckles.

The Dane: It only hurts the first time, you'll get used to it. Here, I'll show you.

Shinji: Ok, but be careful.

The Dane chuckles as he finishes his most recent beer. He looks Shinji in the eyes, suddenly solemn.

The Dane: There's no turning back now, Shinji. You know that, right?

Shinji nods silently and give The Dane a small, nervous smile.

The Dane grins and grabs his beer can hard. He moves his hand swiftly up and—smacks the can against his forehead, crushing it into a puck-sized disk.

The Dane: See? No problem at all. Not even a depression from the blow.

Shinji: Wow, you ARE good. I always get depressed _before_ I hurt myself.

The Dane [modestly]: Well, I'm probably not as good as Misato, but I try.

Shinji gets a determined look and finishes his can of soda.

The Dane: Now belch.

After looking around nervously to make sure nobody else is listening, Shinji cuts loose with a relatively impressive belch.

The Dane: Now, you slam the can against your forehead right here.

He points to a spot on Shinji's forehead.

The Dane: Remember to twist it as you make contact. It helps a lot.

Shinji nods solemnly. He tenses all his muscles, staring into smooth metal circle of the can-bottom. With a sudden, violent motion, he smacks the can against his forehead full force and—knocks himself out.

The Dane is now rolling on the ground, laughing his ass off.

The Dane [in between fits of laughter]: It IS true. Meanies have SO much more fun!

He stands up, still laughing, and throws Shinji's slight frame over his shoulder and carries him into the house. In the front hall, he pauses to kick of his shoes, and peel Shinji's from the pilot's feet.

The Dane [chuckling]: That's gonna leave a bruise the size of Asuka's ego.

Asuka [from elsewhere in the house]: I heard that!

The Dane [annoyed]: Shaddap!

The Dane deposit Shinji ceremoniously on a couch and then goes to the kitchen to forage for another six-pack of Yebisu beer.

The Dane: Damn, these are almost addictive. Oh, well. As long as they keep the buzz going, I guess I can't complain about the taste.

The Dane chugs down a beer in a single swift movement just as Asuka enters the room.

Asuka: You are SO disgusting. It's bad enough that I have to put up with one alcoholic, but you're even worse than SHE is!

The Dane gives Asuka the 'elevator look', snorts, and returns to the living room to check out the video game console he saw there.

The Dane [muttering under his breath]: I'm normally very turned on by redheads, but this kraut is just too much, even for my tolerance threshold.

Asuka: ARE YOU LISTENING?!

The Dane: Ah, go get laid. (I wouldn't mind this being a lemon anyway.) At the very least, find some way to channel all that annoying energy. Or even better: go see a shrink.

Enter Worldmage again, this time with a bowl of instant ramen in his hands.

Worldmage: Aren't you getting a bit atavistic here? You're supposed to be tolerant.

The Dane just glares at Worldmage and mutters something vile under his breath.

The Dane [out loud]: This is just getting to me. I'm becoming increasingly annoyed by the whole thing, and Asuka's persistence in trying to make me curse is very much a pain in my posterior.

Asuka: I just want to know how you got so good.

The Dane: Fine. Attend me closely, oh students. Close the circle at the feet of the master.

Worldmage: "Boot to the Head." [Rolls his eyes and devotes his attention to cooking the food]

The Dane: First, you must have a rotten childhood. It's best if most of it is so traumatic that you can't or won't remember anything about it.

Asuka [grimly]: Check.

The Dane: Then, you need a grandmother who likes to start the day with a couple shots of hard liquor.

Asuka: Umm… not check.

The Dane: A sick and twisted mind to make physically impossible combinations of acts, positions, and uses of various household objects.

Asuka [proudly]: Check! I'm inventive; I can turn that to this as well as any other task!

The Dane [ticking points off on his fingers by now]: Nordic blood.

Asuka: German falls under that category.

The Dane nods agreement.

Asuka [happily]: Check.

The Dane [thinking hard]: Are there any more criteria that need to be fulfilled... nope, I think that's it.

Asuka [grinning]: Will you teach me now? I'll leave you alone, and count you as an ally. Your skills are more fun than Shinji's anyway.

The Dane: Yeah, why not. Do you have pencil and paper?

Asuka: Yes, right here.

The Dane: Ok, first lesson. Only use this power with which I now endow you for a good cause. You don't see me going around popping big ones like slugs from an Uzi.

Worldmage rolls his eyes again, but remains silent.

Asuka: What if I drop something on my foot?

The Dane: That depends on the pain factor. The worse you feel, the worse language you can use.

Asuka [lighting up]: So can I use it in my Eva?

The Dane: Remember to turn off the audio first.

Asuka nods happily.

And as we leave them there, Worldmage hastily departs, shaking his head and trying to enjoy his ramen.

Worldmage: I just hope I can take some of this stuff home with me. It's far better than ordinary instant ramen. Cup Noodles… [Shudders]

—

Authors' Notes: Well, well, well. What will happen next? What wrath will be visited upon the gaijin when Misato comes home to find Shinji unconscious and her beer gone? What will happen now that Asuka is learning how to swear with an evil vengeance? Where is Rei, and what is she doing with those power tools? How will Worldmage and The Dane ever get home, and what will the first real dinner in the Katsuragi/Akagi household be like? Answers to these and many other stupid yet relevant questions will be largely missing from the next episode of: "Psycho SI"—!   
Momiji is a character in Blue Seed, also known in some circles as "Eva with plants" or "Eva Lite."   
"Domo" is short for "Domo arigato gozaimasu," a very polite form of "thank you." "Boot to the Head" is a comedy routine which is quoted from right before the name pops up.

And now for a Word from our Sponsor: "The"


	2. It only gets worse, you know

Disclaimer: The Dane and Worldmage are too poor to own NGE, we just write fanfiction and if we get sued by anyone we shall call down the Jihad of OTAKU and CUJO upon thee 

Disclaimer: The Dane and Worldmage are too poor to own NGE; we just write fanfiction. If we get sued by anyone, we shall call down the Jihad of OTAKU and CUJO upon them! And a Terrible Rain and Hail of Evil Fish, which you really don't want to mess with.

Sucky SI Part Two, or, "How to (o)make Mary-Sue Scream."

The Place: Over There. The Time: Then! THEN! NOT now! The Reason: none.

When the story resumed, The Dane and Worldmage were in the living room, playing Tekken 7 on the new Playstation 4. Worldmage was obviously impressed by what they machine could do, especially the ingenious way it used those little lights to make an image on a screen.

"I wonder if I can take one of these puppies back with me," Worldmage pondered, idly tapping a key on the control pad.

"Let's just concentrate on how the fuck we get home, okay? Okay!" The Dane was obviously not in a pondersome mood.

"Well, we'd be fine if I could just get my book back." Worldmage had been carrying a notebook detailing several rituals, including the spell that had taken the pair to Evaland in the first place.

Unfortunately, this had been confiscated when they had been strip-searched. Two of the NERV security officers were still in intensive care after suggesting that a body cavity search be performed on the Dane. The guards who had supervised Worldmage had suffered a far less violent fate, although from that day on the word "gazebo" caused them to break down in tears.

After four consecutive wins, The Dane finally tossed down his controller pad.

"That's it, I'm spent." He grinned and stretched.

"I was beginning to get the upper hand here, you could at least give me a rematch!"

"Nope." The Dane's smile grew wider. "I'm gonna get some beer, want something?"

"Yeah, iced tea, please. Lemon. No sugar." The Dane shrugged and sauntered into the kitchen.

Back in the living room, Worldmage stretched out on the floor, staring at the ceiling and idly wondering whether he would actually get that tea or not. Suddenly a ceremony, full-formed and perfect to the last detail, sprang into his mind.

"YES!" Worldmage sprang up and began performing the Mathematician's Happy Dance, which is a fitting expression of joy despite the fact that it kills small animals within a five-meter radius.

"What the FUCK's going on here?" The Dane returned from his quick trip to the kitchen to find Worldmage behaving as if he had just downed a load of "happy" mushrooms.

Worldmage stopped dancing, ran over to the Dane, grabbed him by the shoulders, and started spinning the startled Norseman around.

"I remember the return spell! I remember the return spell!" Worldmage was almost literally bubbling over with joy. "Listen: you take a can of creamed corn and heat it to a simmer. Then brown two tablespoons of butter…" he trailed off with a confused expression on his face. Suddenly, he screamed. "NOOOO!" Turning to the far wall, he berated himself viciously in half a dozen languages. When finished, he turned to the Dane, who was looking at Worldmage with a huge sweatdrop hanging from the back of his head.

"Sorry," explained Worldmage, looking defeated. "That was a recipe for potatoes au gratin. We can't go home. I forgot the spell."

The Dane facefaulted.

Upon their return home from school, Shinji and the two girls immediately sensed the dismal mood that now permeated the house.

"Something unpleasant has happened," said Rei gravely.

Asuka took one look and snapped sarcastically, "oh, really, Wondergirl? What gave you that great idea? Maybe it was the smashed furniture? Or what about the scorch-marks on the walls? Or maybe it's that Worldmage guy kicking a sandbag into oblivion!"

Rei just turned her head slowly and stared at Asuka. "All of the above, pilot Soryu," she replied quietly. Then she removed her shoes and went to her room.

"You should really go easy on her, Asuka," Shinji said.

"Mind your own business, baka Shinji!" snapped the redhead as she threw off her shoes and stormed to her room.

Shinji sighed. Then he yelped as a blast of heat and light erupted from somewhere, and a giant boom shook the house. After making sure that another asteroid hadn't crashed into the earth (which it actually had, but that was far away in Graviton City), he tried to locate the source of the disturbance.

Shinji traced the smell of smoke to the insane Danish guy's room. He mustered his courage once more and knocked on the door.

"What is it?" The room's occupant was clearly annoyed.

"I just wondered if you were alright. That was, um, quite a loud boom, and smoke is coming from your room." Shinji waited politely before curiosity got the better of him. He tried to push the door open just a bit, so that he could peer in and see what was going on.

He saw a nice, tidy room with the Dane sitting in the middle of it all, smoking a water pipe.

"You should come in if you're curious, Shinji." The man said between puffs from the contraption.

"But I'd rather not—smoking is bad for your health," Shinji answered apprehensively. The man just chuckled and stood up. He went over to a little chest in one of the corners in the room and fished out an even weirder contraption and some green tobacco-like stuff.

"Well, are you gonna stand there all day like some pervert, or are you gonna come in?"

Shinji silently opened the door and entered the room.

"What is that stuff? And what is that thing?" Shinji was getting curious again.

"This, Shinji my boy, is commonly known as 'weed' or 'pot.'" The man held up the green tobacco. "And this thing right here is a so-called 'bong.'" He held the device out for Shinji to take.

"A bong? That's an odd name—why do you call it that?" Shinji studied the contraption closely.

"Well, I'm not the guy who named it, but I'd reckon it was because of the feeling you get when you smoke this here stuff..." the Dane held up the pot "... on this here thing." He gave Shinji a sly look. "Wanna try?"

Shinji gulped and handed it back to him again. "No, I don't think so. Smoking is bad. All the nicotine and the tar, you know." Shinji remained seated, though. He was thoroughly fascinated by the strange gaijin customs on display before him.

"This isn't tobacco, it's hemp. And there's no nicotine and no tar." The Dane chuckled. "After a hit or two, you don't give a shit about the taste. And you don't get hangovers like with beer." He shrugged. "Not that I've ever had hangovers, but it's so annoying being around hung over people. They're so full of self-pity. If drinking makes you feel bad afterwards and you HAVE to wallow in self-pity—don't drink."

Shinji nodded. He had seen Misato hung over more than enough times.

"Why don't you just try and if you don't like it you can just never do it again..." The Dane grinned slyly as he whipped out his ace. "Or are you afraid you'll like it too much?" He grinned even wider as the comment sunk in with Shinji, who again gathered his courage.

__

I won't let Father call me a coward; I can't take this from some gaijin! Shinji steeled himself mentally. _It can't be any worse than anything Asuka would think of to do for fun, anyway._ "I'm not afraid of anything. Fire that up, and let's see who drops first!"

The Dane just smiled and began to stuff a head into the bong.

Asuka and Rei were walking down the corridor in the back of the house when they heard giggles, snickers and chuckles from that Danish guy's room. One of the voices sounded suspiciously like Shinji's.

Asuka spotted a little bit of smoke coming out from under the door and quickly went over to listen to what was going on. Amazingly enough, Rei followed.

"Aww, come on, man. Give it to me!" Shinji pleaded. Asuka's eyes widened.

"I can't; you're too young. You've already had more than enough," The Dane answered.

"Just one more time," Shinji said. There was silence for a moment. Then: "Ok, just one more time, but that's all. You're actually way too young for this stuff, we should've started off much softer."

Asuka's eyes widened even further, to the point of almost popping out of her skull, and her jaw went slack as she heard a slurping noise. Then, Shinji mumbled, "oh, God! That's good!"

Asuka looked at Rei, whose face was now locked into a tiny, barely noticeable grimace of disgust.

"It would seem that Ikari-kun has been corrupted. We must punish the man responsible." Rei was obviously very distraught.

Asuka nodded, took a step back, and kicked the door in to see—Shinji sucking away on a water pipe and the Dane cleaning out a bong.

Asuka's face suddenly reddened, and Rei's almost changed color, as they realized the mistake they had made. They hastily made their excuses and hurried out of the smashed doorway.

"What was that all about?" Shinji slurred.

"Dunno... those chicks get weirder and weirder by the day," The Dane muttered.

Shinji sighed. "Tell me about it!"

Meanwhile, Worldmage was still venting his anger with a practice dummy and a rapier.

WHACK! WHACK! WHAM! [Rip] WHACK! WHAM! WHACK! [Shred]

Finally he stopped, panting and sweaty. He looked at the chunks of dummy lying on the floor—arms and legs hacked off, pieces of torso scattered across the room—and then at his hands. "I don't think I'm doing it right," he said, and scratched his head. "Something feels wrong about sticking the sword into the wall and beating it with the dummy, but I don't know why."

From behind him, Rei spoke. "The sword should be planted in the ground, not in a wall."

"Oh." Worldmage pulled the blade out of the wall and picked the foam pieces off of the floor. "Thanks." He left the room, leaving Rei standing in what appeared to be a state of surprise. Asuka walked up to her and clapped a hand on her shoulder. "You know, Wondergirl," she said in a voice soft with disbelief. "You may be a freak, but sometimes you're cool anyway. Especially compared to our present company."

Later that evening, Misato threw a fit. Fortunately, she wasn't drunk yet, but even so, The Dane nearly perished in the face of her wrath.

The screams could be heard all the way down the street. "HOW **DARE** YOU GET SHINJI-KUN HIGH! YOU STUPID GAIJIN! WHAT IF THERE HAD BEEN AN ANGEL ATTACK?"

"I was just—I was feeling down and needed a cheer-up." The Dane, still not fully recovered from his own trip, was actually considering backing down. "Worldmage told me that he forgot how to get us back home."

Misato was about to launch into another round of verbal castigation when Ritsuko stepped in.

"Look," she said wearily, "we can't have Eva pilots operating at any less than full capacity. What you do to your own body on your own time is your own business; but we're going to have to put Shinji-kun through Detox now. Eva-01 won't be any good to us when it's trying to hide from 'The Fish!,' whatever **they** are." Her expression hardened. "Remember that it's only by G— by Commander Ikari's good will that the TWO of you"—here she shot a piercing glance at Worldmage, who immediately lost his smug grin—"are being allowed to LIVE, much less live with us. Also remember that we will call upon your services when they are needed."

"Hang on," muttered Misato. "How come you get to chew them out and I don't?"

Ritsuko ignored her. "In brief, we must take action to insure that this doesn't happen again. I am placing Dane-san under house-arrest for the next twenty-four hours, and both of you are considered to be on probation until further notice." She fixed them both with a Glare o' Death that rivaled even Gendo's in ruthless implacability. "Am I _understood_?"

"Yes'm!" Worldmage squeaked, and scurried away. The Dane stood his ground a moment longer, swaying gently, then bowed and left.

Once safely in the back hallway, Worldmage turned to The Dane. "So, what do you want me to get for you when I go out tomorrow?"

"Here." The Dane pulled a list out of his pocket and handed it over. "As soon as Shinji joined me for a rousing chorus of 'Cruel Angel's Thesis,' I realized that he'd had too much, and something like this would end up happening. I'm almost worried that she let it go so lightly."

Worldmage was scanning the list. "Right… good GOD!" He pointed with a shaking finger. "What on Earth do you want _that_ for?"

The Dane grinned. "You don't want to know."

"And these?"

"The same."

"What about the ducks? This stuff is going to be hard to get. I don't have any 'connections' in this world, you know."

The Dane folded his arms. "I know, but this is important. Just do it."

The next afternoon, Worldmage handed several parcels to the Dane and crossed his arms. "You know, it was right around the time those ninjas started attacking me that I realized you could have gotten all of this for yourself tomorrow."

"Sucker!" The Dane stuck out his tongue.

Worldmage tensed up momentarily, then sighed and shrugged. "Well, at least it was interesting. And now you owe me a favor. And I got to go shopping for myself as well; look what I bought." He produced a small, rectangular cardboard box from his shopping bag. "It was really hard to find, and I kept getting funny looks from the shop owner while I was buying it, but I guess that's Japan for you."

The Dane's eye twitched. "What's it for?"

"Think of it as… protection. From boredom, if nothing else."

The Dane searched for words, and finally came up with "But WHY?"

"Can't you tell? Come on; you know what I think about Asuka. She's not just a cute girl and a powerful fighter; she's smart as well."

"What about her personality?" The Dane shuddered.

Worldmage assumed a 'macho' pose. "I can take it."

The Dane glanced nervously over his shoulder at Asuka, who was lounging on the sofa with a manga and a box of rice-crackers. "So, how are you going to ask her?"

"I'm not going to ask." There were steel and fire in Worldmage's eyes now. "I'm going to _tell_ her. You know how Asuka goes for assertive men."

"That's dangerous, and you know it!"

"I don't care. It's been too long. If I don't get some soon, I won't be able to anymore. I'll get nervous and lock up, and that's fatal."

"Fine." The Dane shrugged and rolled his eyes. "I'll make sure you get a nice funeral."

With a snort, Worldmage stood straight and walked over to Asuka. He tossed the box down on the table in front of her with a flourish. When Asuka glanced up at him in surprise, he planted his feet and stood with arms akimbo. "OK, Soryu-san, let's go!"

She looked down at the box with narrowed eyes, then back up at the short, bespectacled foreigner. Then she shrugged and put down the manga. "OK," she said. "I guess it'll be worth a try, just to see if it's more fun with you than with Shinji."

The Dane facefaulted.

Later that evening, Shinji came out of the kitchen and informed The Dane that dinner was ready. "Can you tell the others?"

"Well, most of them." The Dane sweat-dropped and poked his index fingers together. "Asuka and Worldmage are still at it. I'm not sure they want to be disturbed."

Shinji face-faulted. "Still at it? How many times has it been, anyway?"

"Still their first." The Dane shook his head. "I must admit, they have excellent stamina. I'm not sure I could do it."

Rei appeared in the doorway. "I think it will be over soon."

The Dane turned to her. "How do you know?"

"I've been watching them."

Shinji's eyes bugged out. "I, ah, I didn't think that you were interested in that sort of thing, Rei." He clenched and relaxed his fists nervously for a moment, then: "I don't think I can keep up with Asuka. Will you show me how, Rei?"

"…Yes," replied Rei after careful consideration. "I shall ask Worldmage-san if I can borrow his chess set after dinner."

Meanwhile, Gendo was sitting in a dark room far below the surface of the Earth. Ritsuko was also sitting… you can decide where. But nothing interesting was going on; just some Fiendish Plans being made. That's all. Nothing to look at; certainly no plot points. Really. Please ignore Gendo's evil laughter… NO! Ritsuko joined in with the Naga laugh!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGH!

Authors' Notes: Sorry folks, that's all for now! We leave you with a slew of unanswered questions: what does The Dane want with those weird items from the list? Will Rei really teach Shinji how to play chess? Did Worldmage actually beat Asuka, like he wants to write? What are Gendo's plans concerned the newcomers? What is the question to the answer of the meaning of life?

We don't know. Sucks, don't it?

Naga is a character in the Slayers movies and OAVs. She has a VERY evil laugh. And that's the last reference we're going to explain for the rest of this godforsaken series.

Naga laugh: OHOHOHOHOHOHOHO! The heart of evil. Oh, the pain.


	3. The true insanity has yet to begin

Disclaimer: Worldmage and The Dane don't own NGE, but they own themselves and are allowed to do whatever they want to with their bodies. Whether or not they make a profit out of that isn't even remotely NGE-related, save when female customers ask Worldmage to dress up like Gendo and—

Worldmage [yelling]: **STOP!**

The Dane [annoyed]: What?

Worldmage: What kind of an impression will that give our readers?

The Dane: That we're hot enough to make a worthwhile profit by selling our bodies and that you look like Gendo. You know that the Gendo thing especially is a chick-magnet. Women love bastards.

Worldmage [thoughtfully]: Well, it's not a negative factor—

The Dane [smugly]: And when I do my Kaoru impression—

Worldmage [nods sagely]: Right again.

The Dane: SO? Shall we just get on with it?

Worldmage [giving up]: Yeah, might as well.

Ducked-up SI part FREE, Or, 'How to Make Mary-Sue Scream for Mercy and Beg for More.'

Worldmage: That's a sick title. I can't believe I'm not changing it.

The Dane [whispering fiercely]: Get down! The setting needs to be announced!

The readers find themselves staring at a number of small black squiggles on a computer screen, which collectively represent the Katsuragi/Akagi household. A reality-rending screech is heard.

Misato [screaming and throwing things at The Dane]: YOU DRANK ALL OF MY BEER! WHAT ARE YOU; STUPID?

Rei: Evidence would suggest 'yes.'

Asuka: Heh. Hey, if you lose the attitude, Wondergirl, my offer to be friends still stands. Compared to these losers, you're a read badass.

Rei [puzzled]: What's wrong with my—

Asuka: Never mind!

Meanwhile, The Dane is fruitlessly trying to evade Katsuragi's wrath, but nevertheless finds the vixen Major straddling his chest, trapping his arms with her knees and is giving him the "typewriter-treatment" on the forehead with the blunt end of a spoon. However, she soon notices a stream of blood making its way out of the (un)fortunate man's nose. She looks down and realizes that she has forgotten that she wore a mini-skirt today. Blushing furiously, she smacks The Dane across the face, waking him up and bringing him back from fanboy wonderland.

Misato [angrily]: Hentai chikoushoume!

The Dane just lies there grinning lecherously as Misato storms out, stopping by her room to change into pants, then hurries down to the nearest convenience store to get a couple hundred gallons of beer.

Worldmage helps The Dane up and hands him a Kleenex. The Dane dabs at his face.

The Dane [in awe]: I've never had a nosebleed before—this is getting weirder and weirder.

Worldmage: Yeah, tell me about it. I was _this_ close [holds up hand with index finger and thumb mere millimeters apart]... to facefaulting. I almost went SD.

The Dane [grinning]: You'd probably look like something from Dragonhalf. [Chuckles]

Asuka [exasperated]: What the hell are you two lizard-wankers talking about?

Shinji & The Dane: "Lizard-wankers"???

Worldmage [to self]: When did Asuka learn Briticisms?

Asuka [innocently]: Hey, I'm just practicing.

The Dane: Well, do that in your room. And don't steal my lines, you little ass.

Asuka [flirtatiously]: At least it's cute.

Rei: Why is everybody suddenly obsessed with—

Asuka leaves. Rei, Shinji, Worldmage and The Dane are left in the kitchen, wondering what the hell that was all about.

Worldmage [sarcastically, to Shinji]: I think you may be suffering from Tenchi syndrome…

Shinji: What?

Rei: "..."

The Dane: I seriously think that you need to begin to drink.

Yebisu Beer [pops in]: DRINK YEBISU BEER! PURSUING A MORE PERFECT, DRUNKEN WORLD! ^_^

Everybody sweatdrops. Even Rei, although hers is smaller than the others' are. Although, of course, we all know that size doesn't matter.

Worldmage [amazed]: When did this turn into an adfic?

The Dane: Don't ask. Just don't ask.

Yebisu grins and hands The Dane an enchanted bag of "Everlasting Lager" and does the merriest jig ever out of the fic. Everybody sweatdrops again, except for The Dane, who is busy sampling beverages from his newest toy.

The Dane [almost ecstatic]: YES! TUBORG, CARLSBERG, HEINEKEN, GUINNESS… [Tears of joy gush out of his eyes, making a puddle on the floor] I've been blessed! Look! Yebisu Beer!

Worldmage: That stuff is fermented LCL, you know…

The Dane mucks around in the bag a little, then lights up with a satanic smile that makes everyone back away a few paces. He fishes out a bong and a big bag of badass weed.

The Dane: Ahhh... sweet...

Worldmage smacks the base of his right palm against his forehead.

Worldmage: "His name was 'high-as-a-kite-Dane,' and all Hell came with him…" [mutters to self:] I just hope it's not still looking for me…

Shinji studies the odd contraption The Dane is holding.

Shinji: That looks familiar somehow…

The Dane: It's a bong. You put the weed in here, light it up, and puff your way into sweet oblivion.

Rei: I bet that's some good shit. Probably from Christania II or III—smells like 2015. That was a good year. [Stops and notices that everyone staring at her] ...um—whazzup?

The Dane: That was so freaky that even I'm not going to comment on it.

The group dissolves. No, not like in EoE. The group breaks up. The Dane scurries up to his room with the magical wonderbag. Shinji follows him closely before being whisked away and tied down behind the sofa by Ritsuko for further Detox. Rei takes off to her room, stopping only to snatch some matches from the box in the kitchen. Worldmage tries to find Asuka to discuss post-Second-Impact German culture and to lure her into either posing in her swimsuit or playing another round of chess, the latter being the more realistic of the two ambitions.

The day passes, Misato arrives home, and then more time passes. Today it is Ritsuko's turn to make dinner. She chooses a very conservative meal: take-out Ramen, nuked. Misato watches but does not help: when duties were assigned, it was agreed that she would NOT be allowed within range of a stove without proper supervision. It was also decided that The Dane should not be allowed to clean up, because of his constant insistence on trying out his so-called 'author powers'. The effects of his attempts had been unpleasantly similar to Urd's magic: boom, splat. Icky stuff all over the place. Or, in The Dane's case, an imploded vacuum cleaner.

Later, dinner is announced. With minimal fuss and bloodshed, the inhabitants of the house gather in the dining room. Ritsuko sets out food for her remaining twenty-four cats.

Meanwhile, at the table, The Dane is happily chowing away and fishes out yet another pair of Lagers from his satchel. One he gives to Misato, who has forgiven him somewhat. Though she's still a bit unhappy about the involuntary flash she gave him, the beer is quickly dissolving her animosity.

In contrast to The Dane's wild scarfing of all edible matter within range, Worldmage eats with quiet dignity. Asuka and Shinji form a parallel pair on the other side of the table; the German utilizing the Nordic "vacuum-cleaner" style of dinner etiquette while Shinji eats almost fastidiously. Rei is quietly working on her third helping.

Ritsuko says nothing; Misato pokes her food. All is quiet at the little table… until Asuka pipes up.

Asuka [jeering, sarcastic]: Whoa, are you pregnant or what, Wondergirl? Did Shinji-Baka finally gather the courage to "do you," and you got knocked up?

Asuka sees the stares Ritsuko and Misato send her and immediately sinks back into relative silence.

Asuka [to herself]: Between those two, I probably won't have a peaceful moment at all.

Rei just looks at Asuka for a moment, flashes a small and markedly cross-eyed smile, and returns her concentration to her food.

Later that evening, The Dane wanders into the study to find Worldmage deep in thought, sitting cross-legged on the desktop.

Worldmage: Do me a favor, OK? Call me a moron in three different languages.

The Dane: Moron! Dummkopf! Baka yarou! …Why?

Worldmage: Yebisu Beer appeared.

The Dane: Yeah. Man, that must have been the coolest thing that's ever happened to me!

Worldmage: We could have gone with him when he left, you know.

Dead silence.

The Dane: Fuck.

Worldmage: I know. [Sighs] But at least we know that there's an exit somewhere. I think it's obvious by this time that we're in some sort of narrative. So, all we need to do is look for a plot hole or other device that we can use to get out, and we're home free.

The Dane: That's good. Why the "doom and gloom," Mister "I'm an insane Kabbalist so I think I'll talk some poor Dane into helping me out with a spell I don't know how to cast"—?

Worldmage [annoyed]: I certainly hope that you remember the other parts as well. It's those that are bothering me. After all, if we can get in, it might just be an accident. But if they can get in too…

The Dane: They wouldn't have given me any problems. I can handle punks any day of the week and twice on Thursdays. Fists, knives, bricks, guns, rocket launchers: I could beat them all.

Worldmage: I know you can. But I'm not talking about the rabid panhandlers; I'm talking about the three women in the white unmarked van.

The Dane: You worry too much. You want to come try out my bag with me? You'll forget all that paranoia _this_ fast [snaps fingers], and have a good time in the bargain!

Worldmage: No, you know how much I like gloomy introspection. Get thee gone.

(Even later that evening...)

The Dane lies on the couch. He finds that he is much more comfortable there than on his futon. So does Worldmage; they have regular fights over napping rights on the couch. So far, neither has come up with the idea to just ask Misato for another couch or some regular beds.

A shadow is seen slinking along the edges of a wall. It reaches the satchel that The Dane is holding.

The sleek, feminine figure crouches to get its hands on the satchel, but apparently the bothersome Dane won't let go.

The figure swears under its breath and tries to subtly pry the sleeping man's fingers loose.

Suddenly, a hand shoots out and grabs the figure's wrist.

The Dane [annoyed]: Give it up, Asuka.

Asuka [hypnotically]: It's just a dream, none of this is really happening. It's all a dream. You're back home in your own bed.

The Dane nods off, apparently affected by the hypnosis.

Asuka [amazed]: Wow! It really works...

Asuka now rips the satchel from The Dane's hands. He stops faking. He quickly grabs her, sits up and slings her over his knees.

The Dane: This is how impertinent children are taught their place in my homeland!

Asuka [screaming and struggling]: NO! HELP! I'M BEING VIOLATED! HELP ME, SOMEONE!

Misato comes out from her bedroom, rubbing her eyes and scratching her stomach.

Misato [yelling, half-asleep]: Stop making noise, Asuka. Shinji's asleep and I doubt that any of the others would fondle you in their sleep. Go to bed!

Misato trudges back into her bedroom and lies down to sleep.

The Dane grants Asuka one of his rare, but frightening, predatory grins.

The Dane: Belt or flat hand?

Asuka [gives up and mutters venomously through clenched teeth]: Belt. If you touch me with any part of your body, God help me, I'll bite it off.

The Dane [unbuckling]: Such a nasty girl. You DO need punishment.

[Fade out to smacks and grunts of pain.]

Lord, people, it's just a spanking. Get your minds out of the gutter.

The morning arrives on schedule at 6:42 as the sun peers over the horizon, decides that all is clear, and rises. Asuka is giving The Dane a deadly and venomous stare, which he ignores completely. She takes her breakfast standing up for some reason that the others are unaware of.

Pen-Pen waddles around, finally comfortable enough with the new surroundings to explore them.

Worldmage watches in amazement as the penguin walks over and holds out a flipper.

Misato [grinning]: He wants the stock indices. It's a morning ritual for him. You might want to get him a cup of coffee with that. Black. No sugar.

Worldmage complies and watches in amazement as Shinji silently gives the penguin a plate of herring.

Worldmage looks to The Dane who is staring oddly at the bird.

The Dane [in an undertone]: Did he just wink at me?

Worldmage: You know, he might be aware of the cult status he seems to have achieved within the NGE fandom…

The Dane: That's just too freaky.

Worldmage: Be that as it may be, but it may be.

The Dane glares at Worldmage who sits up straight and gestures as if checking points on his hands.

The Dane: Did that make sense even to you?

Worldmage: Um… no. Does it matter?

The Dane: No.

The others shake their heads and continue eating.

(Later, as the Children take off for school.)

Misato: Aren't you coming? You're gonna go to school with them.

The Dane: WHAT? No fucking way! I'm NOT gonna start over high school! Not after passing the hell year!

Worldmage: Same here. I'm not doing it.

Ritsuko: It's either that, or incarceration in NERV isolation cells.

Worldmage: You act like that would bother us.

Ritsuko: Fine. Incarceration in the Rei Room.

The Dane [puzzled]: Is that bad?

Ritsuko: They stare, you know. If anybody is foolish enough to enter the Room, each Rei stares at the unfortunate soul, following his or her every move. If you so much as twitch or draw breath, hundreds of red eyes will stare at the motion. And they never stop smiling. And they never stop giggling. Those horrible smiles; that hideous laughter…

The Dane + Worldmage [in perfect sync]: We'll get our stuff now.

They all arrive at school. The Dane is ridiculous in his school uniform, which is at least two full sizes too small. Worldmage managed to get a better fit, and is busily imagining that he looks sharp.

The Dane: Damn... I hate tight clothing. It's so hampering...

Worldmage just grins and hurries after Shinji. The Dane stops grumbling and follows as well.

The Sensei: It would seem that we have two teacher candidates in our class. They will be with us for an indefinite period as participants in NERV's private tutoring program.

The class falls silent as Worldmage and The Dane make their way up to the front of the class.

Worldmage [waves at the class and glances at his ID card to see what identity NERV has assigned to him]: Umm... hello, everybody. I'm... [Looks again] ...I'm Kimyouna Juboi. It'll be a pleasure working with you. I hope the feeling's mutual.

The Dane steps up, glances nervously at all the class and then at his ID card, and introduces his moniker as well.

The Dane: Greetings, I'm Kusanagi Tetsuo. I hope we'll all get along.

Touji [types a message to Kensuke]: Damn—so do I. But they both look like freaks to me!

Meanwhile the two 'teacher candidates' make their way to the back of the class and take their seats.

The Dane: I'm gonna have _such_ a hoot.

Worldmage: I'm a bit apprehensive about this arrangement, though. What if we're required to teach for the benefit of our education?

The Dane [casually]: Wing it. I'm an expert at doing that. ~_^

Worldmage snorts and sits back in his chair, pulling out his laptop.

Worldmage [thinking]: This is gonna be a LONG day...

The Dane [thinking]: That guy sucks at teaching history. I already need a beer...

Worldmage [thinking]: Hey. I can read your thoughts!

The Dane [thinking]: Oh no! You haven't been reading them these last few hours, have you?

Worldmage [thinking]: You are a deeply twisted man. You're sick. Is stuff like that even physically possible?

The Dane [thinking]: She was very limber. [Chuckles] And I bet _that_ one is too.

Worldmage [thinking]: I didn't know you'd take it THAT seriously when I said you could meet women in here.

The Dane [thinking]: Hey, I got a cool voice like Gendo; I look like a cross between this series' arts and some Masamune Shirow with a dash of Oh, My Goddess, and I can—

Worldmage [thinking]: I think the lunch break is coming soon. We can talk about this later— and trust me; we WILL talk about it… Hey, I think this means we're in a fic. Otherwise, I'd be hearing your thoughts on a sound track. God, I hope that if this is an anime, we got good seiyuu…

The Dane [thinking]: ...whatever...

Worldmage [thinking]: Don't you "Squall" at me!

The Dane [thinking]: Whatever, "Juboi-chan."

Worldmage [thinking angrily]: Do I look like I'm wearing a "lovely eyepatch"?

[---] 

Thus, we leave our two heroes. Now that they seem fairly at home and now that they are attending school with the rest of NERV's kids, will they also pilot Evangelion? And how will that turn out? Finally, how will Asuka avenge the atrocity forced upon her?

The Dane's Author's Note: Well? How'd y'all like it so far? REVIEWS, PEOPLE, REVIEWS!!!!

Worldmage's Author's Note: Reviews: they do a body good.

[A horde of wombats stampede Worldmage into whimpering oblivion]

Worldmage: As ET once said: "Ouch."

The Dane: Great. That was so lame; now nobody will review.


	4. Lords of the SufferRings

Disclaimer: The honorable Dane and Worldmage are dead broke. If any fool should sue either of them anyway, then Bob shall visit upon the offender such plagues as to make him unwilling ever to eat tomato soup again, yeah. CUJO will be too good for him. Eat that!

SI Part Four, or, "How to make Mary Sue SUFFER!"

Setting: time varies, place varies, number of spikes sticking out of the wall is minimal.

First Setting: NERV central dogma, the bridge. As they usually do (albeit offscreen), people are sitting and doing nothing while they await the next Angel attack.

Gendo: I'm tired of waiting for these impertinent beasts... 

Fuyutsuki: I'm sure that Major Katsuragi has a viable excuse for being late with the two new subjects.

Gendo [annoyed]: I was not referring to the new subjects.

Fuyutsuki: Oh...

At this moment, the two new 'subjects,' Worldmage and The Dane, enter the bridge, dressed in plug-suits.

Worldmage: Why haven't you pressed the switch yet?

The Dane: I hate tight clothes. I feel constricted. Why the hell do you think I wear baggy pants and oversized T-shirts all the time?

Worldmage: You have a point. But you should ready yourself.

The Dane [thoughtfully]: You know, if this world follows SI rules, which it may well, since we've been inserted, we should get our own Eva.

Worldmage: Yeah, right. Get a grip, baka, this is an involuntary SI, not a Mary-S... [Jaw hits floor as two new Eva are revealed]

The Dane [in an undertone, to Worldmage]: I told you so!

Worldmage [sarcastic]: Great! This probably means that something twisted will happen to us within the hour. An Angel will attack us, and we'll save all the other pilots after having miraculously acquired a synch ratio of 99.99% and then the NGE-chick of our choosing will fall into our arms, weeping and proclaiming her everlasting love… [clenches a fist] Dammit, I want to be in an _artistic_ storyline!

The Dane: You know, I'm getting a _bad_ feeling about this. What if this is the _show_?

Worldmage: Then we're SO—

The Dane: —Fucked.

Worldmage: Metaphorically, of course.

Gendo calls for the attention of the two new pilots by clearing his throat.

The Dane: Well, if it ain't old four-eye 'Gondo.' How's it hanging, homeboy? WHAAAZZUUUPP!

Gendo: Stop wasting my time, Gaijin!

The Dane: Have anyone ever told you that you have some seriously racist attitudes toward white people?

Gendo: Race is not my concern, Gaijin.

The Dane: You know I'm gonna whoop yo' ass if you keep doin' that!

Worldmage sighs and shakes his head, surreptitiously judging the distance to the nearest exit.

Gendo: Go ahead, Gaijin... [takes out pistol] Make my day. I just want you to ask yourself one question: Do you feel lucky? [Cocks the hammer] Well, do you... Gaijin?

Hyuga [mutters under his breath]: "Punk."

The Dane: You know I'm gonna get you one way or another... I hope for your sake that you're a light sleeper.

Gendo [smirking in that especially sinister way]: What? Are you going to _attempt_ to harm me?

The Dane: Oh, goodness no, I won't harm you... but the donkey I'm hiring to rape you while you sleep will!

The 'bridge bunnies' giggle nervously, but are fall silent when they see the facial expression of an almost panicky Fuyutsuki.

Fuyutsuki [in an undertone]: Sir, I'm sure that he knows nothing of your aversion to mules.

Gendo: I was just a boy, Fuyutsuki-sensei. Just a boy.

Worldmage [whispering to The Dane]: That was WAY more information than I needed...

Gendo: I shall let it pass—this time. But if he ever says such a thing again, I shall have him put into the deepest, darkest, dankest pit in the world, where the flesh shall be flayed from his bones with a salted whip! And I shall personally wield the whip!

The Dane gulps.

Worldmage [thinking]: That should teach you caution.

The Dane [thinking]: You know I'm gonna put a beastie-porn movie with donkeys into his dresser drawer, eventually. As soon as I figure out where he lives.

Worldmage [thinking]: You never learn, do you?

The Dane: ~_^

They enter the containment cages to see the two new Eva.

Worldmage: If I were the lone author of this, I'd be ashamed of such a blatant Mary-Sue SI. Seriously, I'd really be sick of myself. I'd—

The Dane: You know I wrote this episode. Now shut up.

Worldmage: "..."

The Dane: You know I have an allergy towards Mary-Sues as well...

Worldmage: "..."

Asuka: Is there a point to all this nonsense?

Worldmage & The Dane: It's none of your business. It's an author thing!

Asuka: Idioten! Verdammte Dreckkopfen!

The Dane: You know that we both understand German, right?

Asuka: Yup.

Worldmage: So why— [pauses with a strange expression on his face, not entirely unlike that of someone who has just seen nude pictures of a very old man]… Never mind! [To The Dane]: If she keeps it up, I just may break down and psychoanalyze the girl to her face.

Shinji: You guys are weird. Sorry for being so blunt, but you really are.

Worldmage levels Shinji with the "Evil Editor Glare of Penultimate Authority."

Shinji [backing up]: Gomengomengomengomen!... I'msorrysosorry!

Rei [to Worldmage, with a tiny trace of anger in her eyes]: You should be gentler with Ikari-kun. He's very fragile—like glass.

Worldmage [scratches back of head]: Where have I heard that before?

The Dane whispers something to his companion, who pales noticeably.

Rei: Is something wrong, Worldmage-san?

Worldmage [sweating]: No, no—nothing at all.

At this point, Ritsuko enters the Cage and coughs for attention. She indicates a white Eva with UN symbols and round blue patches on which are stenciled a shield bearing the Danish royal flag, a sword on top of the shield and a laurel wreath encircling it all. Words are written in Danish and in English: For Freedom in Peace. Instead of the standard mask, it is wearing a barbut helm with a y-shaped opening in the front. Red eyes and an insane grin can be seen dimly through the opening.

Ritsuko: Unit 6 21 11 here was built by the EDs—that is, the Exile-Danes. I don't know why they named it "Unit 6 21 11," though.

The Dane: That's numerological language for FUK... it's a Danish thing, though.

Misato + Ritsuko: FUK?

Misato: What the hell's that supposed to mean?

The Dane makes a fist, then extends his little finger (also known as the 'pinky') and says:

The Dane: FUK!

Everyone just stares at him as he saunters to the entry plug of his Eva, still chortling.

Ritsuko: Whatever...

She then indicates Worldmage's Eva, Unit En Sof Minus One: a hundred-foot-tall lump of clay.

Worldmage: Niiiice… [inspects the left hand] Ohhh, it's even certified by the Union of Orthodox rabbis! [Looks up] But what's that tube sticking out of the top?

Ritsuko: Breathing tube. It's an Eva built into a golem. The back of the neck opens up for entry plug insertion. I don't see how the clay can be so flexible, though. This thing ought not to be able to walk.

Worldmage [rapidly scanning through rabbinical writings]: Why not?

Ritsuko: Blah, blah, blah. Yak, yak, and yak. Techno-nerd babble; wark, wark. Snarf, gargle yurf blæggieanløgf hampen-gluff!

After pausing to glance at each other with wide eyes, the newcomers enter their Eva and are shuttled to the surface for rudimentary training.

Worldmage: Hey, this isn't as hard as I expected.

The Dane: Perhaps that's because you haven't even started to move yet.

Worldmage: Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, right—damn!

Suddenly Worldmage and his Eva go SD and sweatdrop. An unsettling sight if ever there was one.

The Dane: You do realize that you just—

Worldmage: SD. Yes, I am painfully aware of that.

On the other end of the comm. line in the control center, Asuka and Shinji begin to chuckle. The Dane joins in.

The Dane [laughing his ass off]: Sorry, dude. But this is just too fucking precious. It's a real Kodak moment.

Worldmage and his Eva quickly revert, and their eyes begin to glow with an ugly red color.

The Dane: Hey, now you look like unit 02. Great imitation. Hey, check out mine **:_: **[the Eva bends over, leans up against a building, holding its stomach, trembling and roaring with unholy laughter]

Everyone sweatdrops.

[Inside NERV] 

Maya: MAKE IT STOP! PLEASE, MAKE IT STOP!

The rest of the 'bridge bunnies' are in various states of disarray and fear.

Misato [covering her ears]: That has got to be the most awful sound in the world.

Gendo: Good God, Fuyutsuki. What have we created?

Fuyutsuki: I believe it has already been noted that the EDs built that one.

Gendo: Figures.

Meanwhile, the original three Eva have also been sent to the surface, in order to 'pacify' the other two if such a thing should become necessary.

Rei: I believe I am frightened.

Shinji: Asuka, before I die, I just want you to know that I love you.

Asuka: WHAT? What are you talking about? Baka!

Shinji's Eva points up to where an Angel is descending toward the hills just outside of Tokyo-3.

The Dane's Eva also looks up and stops laughing.

The Dane [to Worldmage]: I told you so!

Worldmage: I'm going to have to hurt you if you don't soon stop saying that. Goy!

The Dane: I—

Worldmage: —resent that! I know. Now shut up and grab a weapon.

The Dane snorts and turns towards the Angel.

The Dane: I'm just gonna test a theory I have.

The Dane walks up to the Angel. It's a big, nasty thing resembling the shadow of an Eva, or just a completely black Eva without eyes, mouth or any other features.

The Dane: KYOKUSHIN KI-BAGSLAM!

Makoto: "Bagslam?"

Without warning, The Dane's Eva launches a hyper-speed kick to the Angel's groin area. The impact is followed almost instantly by a white flash and a resounding boom from the breaking of the sound barrier. The Angel rises gracelessly into the air, rockets up to nearly a mile off the ground and lands on its knees—which are driven up through its shoulders by the impact.

The Dane turns, claps his hands as if to dust them off, then as an afterthought turns again to face the Angel. After extending his fist with pinky raised, he activates his Eva's external speakers.

The Dane: FUK! You motherless piece of lizard shit! Fuck you and the fatherless goat who gave birth to you! May a thousand rabid water voles rape you throughout eternity! Ok, boys and girlies, it's all yours.

The three pro Eva pilots close in and take turns bashing the Angel into dust.

Worldmage: A ki attack? How?

The Dane: Most kyokushin fighters use ki-attacks. We shout "kiai" when we launch a powerful move, which theoretically gives the blow more power. I just figured that since we're in an anime universe, we'd be able to take it a bit further.

Worldmage: So—that means that we're in the series or what?

The Dane: You tell me. I actually expected to get smacked silly by that freak.

Worldmage: Hey, does this mean that I'm expected to take down the next one?

The Dane: You don't even have to ask.

[Back at NERV base]

Fuyutsuki: An Eva capable of ki attacks paired with someone who is capable of initiating them… what should we expect from the Kabbalist?

Gendo [darkly]: The worst. Always expect the worst.

[Back at the Katsuragi/Akagi household]

The Dane: Sensei?

Ritsuko: Hmm?

The Dane: Why do you bleach your hair?

Ritsuko: I don't know what you're talking about.

The Dane: You know, it'll turn green if you do that too much.

Ritsuko: WHAT?

The Dane: Yup. It happened to a friend of mine once. She looked totally idiotic with this hideous green hair. Really nasty color, too...

Ritsuko excuses herself and hurries out of the room. A moment later, Kaji enters with a smug grin plastered all over his face.

Kaji: Well, well. Who have we here? Welcome to NERV, my little friend.

The Dane: "Little friend" my ass. If I may inform you, this year in my own timeline I would really be 33 or 34 now, so don't you "little friend" me—kiddo. I could be your older brother.

Kaji: Except you're not. Boy.

The Dane [switching tactics]: So. Who'd you get laid by? That smug grin tells everything except the name of the (un)lucky girl.

Just then, a hurried motion catches his eye. He turns to see… Maya, hurrying out the back door, adjusting her hair and mini-skirt. The Dane's eyes almost pop out of his skull as he super-deforms.

The Dane: HER? Man, you MUST be in need of a woman...

Kaji [grinning jauntily]: You don't know how dexterous she is. She can do the most amazing things. I swear, she had me—

The Dane [swiftly]: THANK YOU! I don't need all of that information. God, I know someone just like you in my world. I wonder if they cloned him to create you. You look and talk like him, and you have the same drive... or maybe you ARE him.

Kaji: I don't know what you're talking about... [Hurries out]

Worldmage enters, with his now-customary bowl of ramen in his hands.

Worldmage [through a mouthful of noodles]: Wha wah zahd all abaud?

The Dane: Can't you finish eating before you start to talk? Damn.

Worldmage [shaking his head]: Mmno.

Suddenly he becomes perfectly motionless, head cocked to one side. After a while his eyes widen slightly. His hands grip the bowl until his knuckles go white.

The Dane [puzzled]: Whassa matter?

Worldmage [slowly]: Don't you feel it?

The Dane: No, not unless by "it" you mean "horny." I have half a mind to— what is it?

Worldmage: I'm sensing a great and terrible evil, approaching rapidly from the sea. It's not a big tough destructive evil, nor an insidious psychological evil. It's one of those happy squishy evils that giggles as it does terrible things involving membranes and tentacles and mason's putty. The kind of sinister evil that just plain enjoys being evil, slimy, and delightfully Freudian. Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh.

The Dane [sweating]: You're really getting into this, aren't you?

Worldmage: Um, no. Not at all. I think I'll take a walk now. [Leaves.]

Asuka enters the room, wearing a normal shoe on her left foot, and a steel-tipped army boot on the other.

The Dane: (this is getting weirder and weirder.) Okay, Mädchen, what's the mismatched footwear for?

Asuka: do you remember how you spanked me last night? Do you remember how you made me feel like a little child, helpless in the face of your manly fury? With your rippling muscles and forceful masculinity?

The Dane: Um, yeah…

There is a brief flurry of motion. A few seconds later, The Dane is in a fetal position on the floor, his face locked into a grimace of agony.

Asuka: Try and be manly NOW, verdammte Arschloch! Humiliate ME, will you?

The Dane: [makes a noise reminiscent of a baby rabbit's death-scream, only quieter]

Asuka: OK, we're even now.

She leaves. After a cautious silence, Shinji emerges from his "detoxification room" behind the sofa. He walks over to The Dane and helps him to the sofa, where he sets him down gently.

Shinji: You got off light, you know. I think she likes you. After all, she didn't kick you while you were down. [Pauses] I'll get you some ice. [Leaves]

The Dane: I'm… going… to… _kill_… her…

[======]

The Dane: STOP! What the FUCK was that all about?

Worldmage: She needed to get back at you, and I thought that this would be an IC way for her to do it. Not to mention, it's poetic justice after what you did to those guards.

The Dane: Alright… I'm OK with getting kneecapped. Or she can hammer my toes or break my fingers one by one. Hell, she could even slice open my belly and pour in a bag of salt, but I will NOT get bag-slammed by her!

Worldmage: Seriously, it's fiction.

The Dane: I'm sorry, it's a Danish thing.

Worldmage: You use that excuse a lot, you know?

The Dane: Let's make a deal. I already have one smashed knee. She can do the other one.

Worldmage: Are you sure? This could put you out of commission for a long time.

The Dane: At least I'll still be able to talk in a normal pitch...

Worldmage: Ok, kneecaps it is, then. [Taps furiously on keyboard] But don't tell me I didn't warn you…

"The Dane never saw the smack coming and suddenly his..."

Worldmage: Which knee was already busted?

The Dane: Left one.

Worldmage: Okay. [Resumes writing]

"...right kneecap is shattered.

Asuka snatches the magical bag the Dane had gotten and grins as she takes off.

Asuka: That ought to teach you never to meddle with your betters. ~_^

The Dane: Pain... give me... bag... Ow... (Dammit!)

Shinji dials for a NERV ambulance to come collect The Dane and shakes his head.

Shinji: You got off easy... she must really like you. I'll get some ice."

[…]

Meanwhile, Worldmage is striding purposefully through downtown Tokyo-3. With a grim and determined expression, he walks up the main avenue. He turns right, travels two blocks, waits at a stoplight, turns left, travels another block, and ends up in front of a high-rise mall. He notes the street address and slips down a dark alley. He travels three blocks north and four west, then five in a north-by-northwest sort of direction. Vector addition is fun. Worldmage is lost.

That doesn't matter very much, though. He has lost not only himself, but also all but one of his pursuers. He pauses to idly window-shop, apparently not realizing that the object of his attention is a lingerie store. Without turning, he speaks to the shadow that has been following his odd meanderings.

Worldmage: Put the safety back on, Rei-san. I just want to talk.

Rei: What about?

Worldmage: If I paid you a lot of money, would you wear that? [Gestures towards something insanely frilly and sickeningly pink]

Rei: There is only one person in this world for whom I would wear that. Ikari-kun. And even he would have to pay me at least enough to buy it.

Worldmage: "In this world," hmm? [He turns] What about in your home-world… _Arimi-san?_

"Rei" [gasping in shock]: What? How did you—?

Worldmage: It was obvious. First, the real Rei wouldn't be allowed even to think about pot, because of the danger it would pose to Instrumentality. You may have fooled The Dane into thinking that you were just being delightfully OOC to introduce humor, but I've studied you more than he has. And second, this morning for breakfast you ate three jars' worth of marmalade on burnt toast.

"Rei": Maybe I just like the bittersweet taste. Maybe it reminds me of love.

Worldmage: You're just digging yourself in deeper, you know. Admit it. We can be on the same side, if you'd just trust me. The Dane and I—we're from outside too.

Arimi [defeated]: OK. I don't even know how I got here; I was just taking a walk with Ginta in the park, when we ran across this girl who looked exactly like me. She was naked. When she saw Ginta, she said something about "security breach" and hit him with a hexagonal force field. [A tear runs down her face.] So… so I pulled out my Glock and shot her three times in the head. But he… he was already dead.

Arimi has dropped to a kneeling position with her hands over her face. Tears run out from between her fingers, dropping to the street below. Her shoulders shake.

Arimi [voice trembling]: He… his entire body was… ruptured… I didn't know what to do! All I could think of was to impersonate her! I… I… [Her voice trails away into an unintelligible whimper]

Worldmage: Are you okay? [Leans closer]

Arimi [suddenly recovering]: Just fine, _jerk-off_! [She smashes one fist into his neck, slamming him back into the shop window, stunning him momentarily. She pulls out a gun and aims it at his chest.] Bastard. Nobody's going to stop my mission, especially not a wuss-fanboy like you!

There is a sudden screech of tires. Arimi's body travels fifty feet through the air, bounces three times, and finally comes to rest on top of an evil little dog named "Fifi." The dog is killed on impact. Arimi twitches, then struggles to her feet. She raises her gun and draws a bead on the driver of the white van that struck her: a rather annoyed-looking woman wearing black shades and a leather bodysuit.

The old woman who owned the dog beats Arimi into a bloody, lifeless pulp.

The van's driver swears while her two companions open the side-door and leap out.

Driver [in Russian]: I can't believe that bitch! She shoved him out of the way just before we could take care of the damn Zhid {translation: Yid} once and for all!

The two other women, dressed similarly (all of them look like escapees from The Matrix) look around, but Worldmage has disappeared.

Commando1 [also in Russian]: Damn. Well, there's always later. And if we can't find him soon, we can always whack that Scandinavian meddler. He's the second target on our list.

Commando2 [in Swedish]: What are we looking for? A spoon? There is no spoon.

The other two stare at her for a full thirty seconds.

Commando2: What? It's Japan. They eat with chopsticks!

Commando1: Come on. Let's get out of here before NERV security shows up. We don't want to have to kill them too.

The van drives away. Meanwhile, several hundred meters below, a visibly shaken Worldmage is entering the Geofront. He checks his watch repeatedly as he hurries to the elevator… punches in the level and floor choice… waits… waits…

Worldmage: Damn these elevators. They're so slow! They just have to travel eighty floors on average, right?

Finally, the thing arrives and whisks him down to Cage #pi, just before the Angel Alarms start sounding.

[Deep in Terminal Dogma]

Gendo: Damn. I think we're going to have to haul out another spare Rei.

Ritsuko: Put your pants back on, first. I hate the way those things stare.

Gendo: I think it's kinda kinky.

Authors' Notes: Worldmage, against both of our better judgements, has added some serious elements and a pitiful attempt at a plot. Just in case you're interested, though (read as: have nothing better to do with your time), there will probably be another chapter, in which more meaningless garbage just happens. The only question is, "when Worldmage effortlessly defeats the most dangerous Angel yet, will the readers finally kill him for actually using such a disgusting plot point?" 

The Dane: Not if I get to him first…

Worldmage: This SI was your idea.

The Dane: So? The man with the biggest gun is always right.

Worldmage: It's not the size that counts, it's what you do with it.

The Dane: It shoots people!

Worldmage: "…"


	5. Death on a Stick! Because Everything's ...

Disclaimer: Everybody who thinks that we think that we own NGE, please raise your hand… and whack yourself in the head. Baka!

Involuntary, Lethal SI Part Five: "Faster, Mary Sue! Die! Die!"

(With apologies to everybody unfortunate enough to actually be named "Mary Sue")

Gendo had just buckled his belt when Fuyutsuki entered the room, looking mildly non-bored. "There's another Angel coming, Ikari. The Second and Third Children and the First Nutcase are on their way. The Second Nutcase is here. I see that the latest First Children is too."

Gendo nodded and left to take charge in Central Dogma several hundred meters above. Ritsuko and Fuyutsuki listened as his footsteps retreated toward the 'DNA elevator.' They watched as Rei v.4.2 _beta_ shakily sat up and took her first breaths out of the LCL growth-tank.

Rei blinked and looked around in open confusion. Finally, she focused on Fuyutsuki. Her face filled with a newfound determination. "I am not your doll."

"Not yet!" Fuyutsuki growled while Ritsuko stared. Rei looked at him, impassively, not breaking eye contact while she stood up.

"I am not your doll," she repeated, seeming to take pleasure in the utterance. "I am not your doll. I am not your doll. I am not your—"

"Look!" Fuyutsuki bent down and jabbed his finger at Rei's face. "You aren't my doll. You aren't anybody's doll, especially Ikari's. But that doesn't matter, and you _will_ do what I tell you, because _you are my bitch!_" He glared into her eyes until they dilated and she sat down heavily. Then he straightened and stood with arms akimbo. "Am I understood?"

Rei wobbled slightly for a while before responding softly, "Yes, Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki; it is understood. I am your bitch."

Ritsuko shook her head and wandered away, dazed. Then she fell into the LCL Lake and almost drowned… except for the fact that people can breathe LCL. Then she got out and hurried to Central Dogma, because the sirens began to scream bloody murder right around then.

"BLOODY MURDER!"

Worldmage winced in surprise. At first, his survival instincts told him to go hide under a table and hope that the Angel would be pounded by Shinji's Eva running amok. Then he realized that now was his moment of glory... then he wondered why The Dane was giving him such corny lines of thought.

"Could you use more clichés?" growled the testy Worldmage as he changed into his plug suit. For the record, he was in the changing room at the time.

Meanwhile, The Dane enjoyed his fun. Or rather, the ambulance ride to NERV's military hospital.

After hurrying to the proper Cage, Worldmage climbed into the Entry Plug of Unit En Sof Minus One. As the small, tubular room filled with special kosher LCL, the monitors flicked to life and Misato appeared onscreen to brief the neophyte pilot.

"This Angel is different from the others," she began, when Worldmage interrupted her.

"It's a happy squishy Angel, right? With membranes, tentacles, and mason's putty. Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh. And it's approaching from the sea."

"Uh… yeah." Misato was obviously confused. "How did you guess about the putty?"

"That," said Worldmage playfully, "is a secret. But what's the plan, Major?"

"Oh, yeah!" Major Katsuragi asserted herself as the purple-haired woman's current dominant personality. This particular version of Misato was grimly happy, especially when it had a simple plan that involved big things dying and exploding. At the moment, she was very happy indeed. "It's like this: you go out there, shoot the damn thing, and hit it with Unit-02's spear if necessary. Keep on doing stuff like that until it dies!" She licked her lips and grinned, showing altogether too many teeth.

"But—"

"Launch!"

Worldmage's objections, whatever they may have been, were lost as he was rocketed to the surface under about 5g of force. Upon his arrival he resignedly took weapons from a nearby cache-point and began marching toward the ocean.

…

A quarter of an hour later, Worldmage stood on a hill overlooking the beach as the latest Angel sprawled up onto the shore. It was wet and slimy. Most of it was a sort of oily black color; other parts were various nauseating shades of green, gray, and brown. It had tentacles, membranes, and soft parts that would pop and spray noxious-smelling poison if you looked at them wrong. A dozen little mouths filled with rotting yet still-sharp teeth chattered and giggled as it hauled itself through the shallows.

Worldmage looked at it. Then he cued his external speakers. "So, where's the mason's putty?"

The Angel stopped and performed its own, hideous, equivalent of scratching its head. In a terrible, grainy voice, it spoke.

"I got rid of the stuff. It was ludicrous."

Worldmage and his Eva nodded. "That it was. But it added to the aura of inexplicable evil. I was all tied up in knots, wondering what you were going to do with it."

The Angel pondered for a while, dripping corrosive reddish goo into the sand. "I could have attacked you with the putty knife. Except clay doesn't bleed, so there's no point to it."

It was at this moment that Worldmage had a bright idea. It doesn't happen all that often, so he acted upon it at once. "I say, we've been meaning to ask you guys for a while—but none of the other Angels talked to us, you know—why y'all were attacking us. Is it a punishment by God, or a 'Time of Trials,' or just random attacks, or what?"

"I'm not sure; let me check." The Angel pulled out a huge and horrible book. "As it is written: 'and there was a great light like unto the sun in its terrible heat, and sound like unto a million babies spitting up simultaneously, and Adam became as a child yet unborn.' Then you skip a couple dozen lines to 'And after two hundred moons had filled and drained with light, the Angels returned with great wrath. Some bore lances of light, others spoke to the minds of humanity in a great and terrible voice. They came to Earth from earth, sky, sea, and fire, to test the heart and mind of Mankind.'"

"Hang on, that's from the Silence Tractates, chapter three, right?" Worldmage's Eva sat down on the cliff-top and produced a scroll from… from wherever it is people in anime pull stuff from.

The Angel sat down too. "Yeah, right there. See? Now, this plainly means that we have to attack you, and that's why we do it."

"No, that's not what it means at all!" Worldmage's Eva poked a finger into its palm as the two huge bio-things hunched over their texts. "It says 'test,' right? But there are all sorts of tests that don't involve attacks or even violence at all. In the twelfth chapter of the Silence Tractates, we find that Yohar tests Pelal by setting a full bowl of borscht in front of him, and seeing how much he drinks before developing a taste for halvah and vodka. So when it says for you to 'test the heart and mind of Mankind,' it means that you monitor our heart-rates while we take multiple-choice exams."

"Multiple choice?" The Angel showed its confusion by sprouting dozens of bloodshot eyestalks to blink and stare. "But it is written in the Scroll of Fate that only essay tests are ritually pure!"

Deep within the Geofront, Fuyutsuki covered his eyes and sighed. "When you said to expect the worst, I wasn't prepared for Talmudic debate! Just kill me now!"

In reply, Gendo snored.

…

Meanwhile, Ritsuko was tending to a special patient now that her schedule was clear again. "The kneecap is shattered beyond repair, so we'll have to grow a new one for you, and just to be sure, I'll do some X-rays of the other knee and give it a check-up as well." She turned to the very angry-looking Dane, who was lying on a stretcher in the center of the room.

"You say you fell and smacked it on a stone?" Ritsuko said, her voice laced with doubt. She could still see the mallet-shaped depression on the knee.

"Yes, I fell," said the Dane venomously, clearly not in the mood for in-depth interrogation right now and on the brink of unleashing his considerable arsenal of most evil curses.

"Well, you'll have to stroll around with synthetic kneecaps until your new ones are grown. It's very unpleasant, but necessary." Ritsuko looked at the young man, wondering why he had refused the offer of painkillers, but not really caring. Her only problem was that she needed him to pilot as soon as possible again and with the kneecap-regrowth-process she was not sure how well the Danish addition to the duty-roster would perform.

"Are you sure you don't want anything against the pain?"

He gave her a black look. "No. I'm fine, thank you very much. And I'd rather sit in a chair than use damn synthetic caps."

Ritsuko sighed, deciding that she'd never figure those Gaijin foreigners out.

"I'll leave you, then. Press the buzzer for the nurses if you need anything." The Dane muttered something under his breath, which Ritsuko chose to ignore. She left the room.

The Dane slipped into a meditative trance, helped by the focus his pain gave him, and reached deep down to the darkest recesses where he kept the most evil and destructive spells, spells that even Aleister Crowley had outlawed as being too dangerous to cast. Spells that were the evil legacy of the Ancient Ones. He found his most vile and dangerous curse and prepared to cast it on Asuka when....

His eyes snapped open as Soryu Asuka Langley poked his kneecap with an innocent look and a smile on her face, asking, "does this hurt?"

A big hand shot out with incredible speed and grabbed her wrist. "Do you think it would hurt if I shattered your every bone in your hand and shook it every time we met?"

Asuka snatched her hand back indignantly and huffed. "Wimp, one would think that the pain-killers would have knocked you out."

The Dane narrowed his eyes. This, coupled with his ashen complexity, suddenly made him look incredibly malevolent. He looked like the kind of person who strolls down the street and takes bites out of passing babies, and never washes after using the toilet. "I don't use painkillers. They never work, and even if they did, I want to know when I'm in pain."

Asuka looked at his knee and then back at the Dane. "So I just poked and prodded a shattered kneecap without you having had any kind of anesthetic?" she said quietly. The Dane nodded slowly and lay back in bed. "Sorry," muttered the redhead, looking subdued.

"If you ever do anything like it again, I shall make your body turn inside out and implode. Then I shall shred your soul and feed it to the demons of Hell."

Asuka gave the Danish guy a strange look. "I doubt you can do any of that, but why don't we just call a truce." She took a chair and sat beside the Dane. "You never finished teaching me how to swear…." She smiled at him.

Not that the Dane noticed; his eyes were closed as he growled at her. "I've a pair of choice words for you right now!" was all the Dane said.

Asuka quenched a chuckle as she held up a bag. "Let's make a bargain of truce: I give you the bag and you finish teaching me, and then we see if we can keep on each other's good sides from now on, ok?"

The Dane opened his eyes slowly and turned his head to look at the bag. He grinned widely and held out a hand. "Deal. Let's shake on it." Asuka smiled and took the Dane's hand, shaking it firmly.

"Now give me the fuckin' bag!" Asuka complied. After rummaging about for a moment or two, the Dane took out a couple of leather-bound books and sat back with an audible sigh of relief.

"What's with those books?" asked a curious Asuka. The Dane snapped a fearful look at her.

"Have you looked in these books, or tried reading what was in them? This is VERY important!"

Asuka shook her head, confused. "No, I haven't. I didn't know that you had those books in there. Good thing I didn't burn the bag as I had planned." She cocked her head to one side as the Dane's shade of gray threatened to completely drown out his normal complexion.

"Never, ever, touch these books! For the love of God and all things sacred, you must promise me that!" The Dane took Asuka's hands and held them fast, looking her deeply in the eyes.

"I promise, I promise. If it's THAT important to you, I'll leave them alone." Now Asuka's confusion was total. "What is it with those books?"

The Dane gave the redhead a haunted look and put the books back into his magical bag of holding. "You would not want to know that. Please, ask no more. And tell the others not to touch any books in my room." Asuka nodded, a bit frightened of the sudden change in the Danish man's behavior. He could be grumpy, and he complained a lot, but he always did so with an air of mischief. Now he seemed… scared. She wondered what this could mean. She would talk to the other guy, she decided. Maybe the American could help her figure out what the problem was.

When she finally did ask him, a week later, though, Worldmage just shrugged and began humming old Beatles tunes. So she punched him in the face and promptly forgot about the whole thing. But that's still in the future and hasn't happened yet, but you DO know that at least two people survive for another week. [Evil laughter]

…

Misato was sprawled on her back on the control deck when suddenly the private commlink from Unit En Sof Minus One came alive. She scrambled out from under Kaji, over the backs of the unconscious bridge bunnies and looked at Worldmage's haggard face in the communications window.

"What's going on out there?"

Worldmage sighed. "I think I can win this, but it's not going to be easily. My stamina is wearing dangerously low."

"What can we do to help?" Misato brightened. "I can get you weapons, ammunition, a couple hundred N2 mines, or all the power in Japan! What do you need?"

Worldmage considered for a moment, then turned slightly as the Angel began to gurgle another sentence. "Some bagels would hit the spot," he said hurriedly. "And lox. And maybe a dessert, with lots of chocolate. The dessert's for Reuven—that's the Angel's name—to eat."

The communications line went dead. Misato began to laugh hysterically.

…

In the Secret Study: the commanders are once again playing mah-jongg as tense switches.

Fuyutsuki: You know, Ikari, I've heard it said that this is a game for four players.

Gendo: Well, if we take into account that you're a raving schizoid, we're actually three players too many.

Fuyutsuki: Fair enough. [Moves a piece] Your "Chu" is in danger.

Gendo: That's not a legal move for a blue piece to make, sensei.

Fuyutsuki: Foo.

…

Some time later, Worldmage woke up in a hospital bed alongside his fellow author. He was mildly surprised at that and even more so when he saw the cast on his friend's legs.

"What in Heaven's name happened to you?" he asked. He was a bit more surprised when the Dane opened his eyes and responded.

"Asuka got even with my kneecap."

Worldmage stifled a chuckle at that. "If you don't mind me quoting you; 'I told you so!'"

The Dane turned his head and looked at Worldmage. His eyes seemed devoid of life. "There IS a portal. I found my books in my bag of holding." Worldmage pondered that message for a moment and then shrugged.

"Well, what's the fuss about then? The books have spells that could help us find our way home."

The Dane turned his head back and closed his eyes. "No, don't you see it? The books _found_ me. They found the portal. And what do you think would happen if one of the others looked in them, or if Gendo got his hands on them?"

Worldmage thought about it for a moment. "He shouldn't be able to read them. Not without going insane from terror, at least." The Kabbalist shuddered. "What _are_ you doing with that kind of tome, anyway? I wouldn't recommend touching them with a ten-foot pole!"

The Dane ignored the question. "But what if Shinji or Asuka look in them by accident? What if the books take control of them? The forces behind these two volumes are vast and ancient; these are the most dangerous volumes of sorcerous spells ever made. I have the powers of a god at my fingertips, and I'm scared of them falling into the wrong hands."

Worldmage looked at the Dane again. It seemed as though the shadows in the room bent to gather around the Norseman's bed. It was an unsettling effect, especially when combined with the weird fingers/hands mixed metaphor that had just been unleashed.

"I think we should talk about this after having some sleep." Worldmage took the tablets lying on his bedside table and swallowed them with some water from a glass set out for that purpose. He took off his glasses and set them on the table. Then he said the Kriat Sh'ma, and set his yarmulke next to the glasses. Then he fell asleep, which caused him to lie down rather suddenly.

After a moment of thought, the Dane did likewise. Except, of course, that he didn't take off any glasses or speak any Hebrew, and he slept only after having cast a spell of binding on the hand holding the bag by his side.

…

After a couple of days they both got "home"—or rather, were shipped back to the Akagi/Katsuragi household. The Dane was very unhappy with his wheelchair and spent a lot of his time bitching about it and cursing loudly. Worldmage was a bit more subdued than usual (in other words, virtually Rei-like), but otherwise fine. The Dane had his stuff moved to a lower floor temporarily, and life resumed its normal pace for the household. That is to say, a break-neck pace, in all the wrong ways.

Ritsuko pressed Worldmage to tell her what had happened to the Angel, but all the reply she received was a shrug and some muttering about "death by chocolate." Misato needed to be medicated for a few days, but she finally stopped laughing.

The next week, the two foreigners decided to take a walk through the town. There were a lot of things they needed to talk about in private, including the plot of NGE itself. When they reached the block where a certain lingerie store was situated, they were busy arguing. Because neither of them was listening, The Dane was arguing about Gendo's role and powers, while Worldmage was arguing about whether they were in a fic, the manga, a doushinji, or the show itself.

The Dane: "The question is, how much does he know, and how much does he know we know? For that matter, how much do we really know? I wish I knew."

Worldmage: "It might be the manga. That focuses on Shinji more, so there's lots of places for minor characters to hidden."

The Dane shook his head. "Don't you ever give up, Juboi? I thought that you didn't like conspiracy theory!"

Worldmage shifted just enough to glance back at his wheelchair-bound companion. "Don't worry, Tetsuo-kun. I've gone through this logically, and I think I found a way for us to get out."

That stopped both arguments. "Too cool!"

"Indeed. First, this is most likely a fan creation, right? This means that we're most likely stored as a text file on a computer. And since it's a self-insert, that means I worked on it, so at least one such computer must be mine. Which means that, technically, we have 'access' to my links. Which means that I've been able to call in an ally to help us out."

"And?"

"And," Worldmage glanced around; "the aliens who used Rasputin's mind-control techniques to force Elvis to shoot Kennedy are hiding fifty pounds of super-technology in my pants."

"Not that I'm going to fall for that and ask you to show me. You do realize that conspiracy theorists are going to be after your blood now."

"If they get in here too, tell them to bite me." Worldmage turned the corner.

There was a sudden burst of gunfire.

The Dane realized suddenly that he was surrounded again by rabid panhandlers, wielding fists, knives, bricks, guns, and rocket launchers. Fortunately, there were only nine of them, so The Dane destroyed them all within the three-and-a-half minutes remaining before his internal batteries ran out. Then he reactivated, a feat that the panhandlers couldn't perform because they hadn't downed a twelve-pack of Yebisu Beer within the past 24 hours. Then, just for the fun of it, he ran them over with his wheelchair.

Meanwhile, Worldmage was staring in shock… not at the three Matrix escapees who had been hounding him (now sprawled on the ground, bullet-holed and bleeding profusely), but at the battle-gear ruriquake figure standing in front of him, calmly watching the smoke rise out of her gun. She glanced impassively at the bodies, then spoke.

"B4k4^2"

She holstered her gun just as The Dane pulled a wheelie around the corner in defense of his fellow author. At the sight he skidded to a halt, leaving scorched tire-tracks on the pavement. He hunched into a fighting stance at the sight of ruriquake, but she merely inspected him dispassionately before turning and walking away. It was almost, but not quite, Rei-like. Sort of a "Rei with guns" thing.

The Dane walked over to Worldmage, who was leaning against the wall. The latter's tie-dye shirt and red shorts contrasted starkly with his dead-white skin as he breathed heavily, apparently in shock after his encounter with four gun-toting women. Either that or he was making an obscene call on an invisible cell phone.

He turned to The Dane. "Ph34r +h3 cu+3 0n3"

"What?"

Worldmage shook his head. "Using the powers vested in me as fanfic artist and otaku, I summoned a strong warrior from Megatokyo-3. You know I suck at all combat except melee, and those chicks had guns."

"'Fear the cute one?'"

Worldmage chuckled. "I never really did get into l33+ myself, but she ownz'ed them pretty bad. Man, I'm one lucky stiff."

It was at this point that The Dane realized that Worldmage never wears tie-die. Especially not red-and-white tie-die, 'cause it looks so ridiculous. (It really does.) Furthermore, Worldmage had been wearing tan shorts a mere four minutes previous. And if there's one thing Worldmage does not do (with regards to clothing) other than wear red/white tie-dye, that thing is to change his shorts in the middle of downtown while being shot at.

—

Author's Notes: About that "l33+" thing: yes, it was previously promised that no explanations for references would be given. So we'll just give an address: megatokyo.com. Check out this excellent site.

And about that "Sh'ma" thing: it's a Hebrew prayer.

Too serious? Perhaps. But some of us have to feel like we're writing something with a plot, while others produce the actual humor. Guess who finished this episode.


	6. Plot? HaHAH, you make funny!

Disclaimer: We no own NGE. We own clothing, small amounts food, and English, Danish, German, Japanese languages. Now you pay us for using languages. Gooooood.

Extraordinary SI, Part SIX: "How to Make Mary-Sue Soup"

The setting was an abandoned street corner in Tokyo-3. Worldmage was bleeding heavily. The Dane was in a wheelchair, waiting for his kneecaps to finish growing back. It was about tea-time. The sun was shiny. God was taking a coffee break, and all was screwed-up with the world.

"Well," said Worldmage, holding his side. "I never _been_ gut-shot before. I wondered what it felt like." He coughed up some blood, for dramatic effect.

The Dane cocked his head to one side. "So, what does it feel like?"

"It sucks major arse. Anytime you want we should go to hospital is fine by me."

The Dane was startled. "Dude, you swore! And you're lapsing into dialect! You're hurt bad!"

"Shut up." They left.

One of the commandos sat up, blinked, and looked around. "Girls," she announced in Russian, "we been disrespected. It's time to go back to HQ and figure out how we can kill these freaks before they get themselves killed and we lose the satisfaction of torturing them."

Her companions struggled to their feet as well. Within the body of each, millions of nanobots worked to repair their damaged tissues. Within a minute, they were well enough to get back into their van and drive away. There was not a single sign of the trouble that had occurred… except for bullet-holes in the walls, and casings everywhere, and big smears of blood. But other than Tanaka Taro-san, who slipped in one of the puddles, nobody was inconvenienced.

…

It has been noted, by people unfortunate enough to have met him in person, that Worldmage generally does not shut up once he starts talking. It is a little-known fact that his being unconscious only makes this worse. Thus it was that, after fainting during his Dane-powered wheelchair trip to the NERV infirmary, Worldmage was babbling like a loon.

"It's like, wow: I've never been gut-shot. It's not like I was thinking about that, you know, although I have thought it on occasion, like after that one time I got shot but it wasn't a gut-shot, but I wasn't thinking about that today. I was just, like, you know, calling a friend of an acquaintance of something I saw on the Net one day, and I liked it. Did you know about the amazing world of Net-comics? I stayed up all night reading them once. And now it's 1:00 am and I'm writing about them! But anyway, I was calling up a bodyguard and then the van pulled up and nearly hit me but I dodged with my fencing skillz and all that, but then they jumped out and then ruriquake arrived just in time and there were bullets everywhere and The Dane was going "heftig!" around the corner, and I got confused. And I'm still confused. And HELLO! Dr. Akagi, are you going to do surgery on me? I've been surgerized a couple times before, but 'surgerized' isn't a real word so I haven't really…."

Ritsuko turned to The Dane and spoke over Worldmage's monologue. "If I find out that this is because you've been giving him drugs, rather than his being in a state of shock, I will have you taken out and shot. Multiple times. In very unpleasant places."

"Whatever, doc." The Dane grinned back. "If he says anything about girls, write it down so I can use it against him in our next argument." Then he dumped Worldmage and left.

Ritsuko stared at the damaged fanboy, who was now lecturing the floor about the not-nice-ness of being cold and hard. She sighed. It was going to be a long day.

…

The next day, The Dane had come to a decision. Worldmage had been returned home on a catheter and IV drip, still mumbling about fish sticks. Something needed to be done. Something more effective over the long run than duct-taping the poor guy's mouth shut, that is. (That's what Asuka had done after he started hitting on her.)

The Dane stood, propped heavily on crutches, in the middle of the study. The room was generally only used by him and Worldmage, especially after the "Vanilla-Cream Pudding Incident." A seven-pointed star had been painted on the floor with three kinds of blood, and a pendant of a five-pointed star, made from one kind of metal, hung from his neck. He was chanting in a strange language, one that had been dead for many years, one that had been spoken in ancient Sumer.

He was calling a mighty demon, one that would probably test his magical strength to its limits, but the demon-lord would provide him with all the information he needed. He had used several protective spells taken from both the Necronomicon and the Keys of Solomon. He spoke the final phrase of the summoning spell, using the language he wanted the demon to understand his commands in.

"I thus call thee forth, oh dark lord of the abyss! Heed me and COME!" He clapped his hands together, accompanied by a peal of thunder. A rift began to form in the air.

Down in central dogma at NERV, they were going berserk because of the unknown energy-flux. But you know, they never, ever, ever figured it out! HAHAHA!

The Dane grinned evilly and took off the hood of his gray robe as he flopped back into his wheelchair. He studied the portal intently while reviewing several attack spells he had memorized long before. Then the rift stopped shifting, and out stepped—

A kid with horns. It seemed to be a boy of about fourteen or fifteen years. His features were vaguely Caucasian. He had two little curved horns and a dimpled face that might have been cute while smiling, but which was now marred by an angry scowl. "One word about my size and you're toast, human!" the demon-kid snarled.

The Dane grinned and summoned a ball of lightning with a motion of his hand. "First of all, I am the summoner, so you will NOT speak to me that way or in that tone of voice. Second of all, I don't care what size you are, even though you are surprisingly little. As long as you can give me the information I need, I don't give a shit."

The little demon growled but fumed in impotence rather than trying to rend The Dane's soul. "I'm just filling in for my dad, so I don't think I'll be of that much assistance," the kid mumbled.

"How do my friend and I get home?" The Dane asked. The demon shrugged.

"Be damned if I know—" he looked down at his cloven hooves and scratched the base of his horns, grinning. "—But then again, I'm already there. But I don't know… actually, I'm surprised that your spell worked at all. There's not much magic in this world—!" Suddenly the demon-kid snapped around, just as the portal through which he had been pulled, flashed shut. His shriek shook the house.

"NOOOOOOO!" He turned again, pointing an accusing finger at The Dane. "This's all your fault; you tricked me! I'm gonna kill you!" He shot a ray of light, capable of disintegrating a tank, towards The Dane… who just grinned as his shield-spell absorbed the magic with barely a flicker. He raised the hand with the ball of lightning.

"That's gonna hurt, right?" the little demon whimpered. The Dane smiled so evilly that even the demon was scared. _It's nice to cut loose and cause some real damage every now and then…_

Worldmage, now untaped and relatively coherent, was playing chess with Asuka when a mighty boom shook the house. Again. Curses shouted in a child's voice were heard.

"Do you think he turned himself into a kid?" Asuka asked Worldmage, who shook his head.

"No. Had he done that, we would have to plug our ears or do something violent to him to make him shut up because of the foul obscenities." Worldmage sat still, listening carefully. "But maybe—NO!" He sprang out of his chair and hurried as quickly as his stitches would allow towards the room that The Dane had barricaded himself into.

As he reached the door, The Dane opened it to exit. Worldmage could not help but notice his gray robes, or the cloven hooves and horns of the childlike thing slung over his shoulder.

"What have you done," Worldmage growled at The Dane with a dangerous note in his voice. "That's the spawn of a major demon lord you've got there, if I'm not mistaken. And I'm not."

"Help me take this little piece of shit to my room," The Dane snapped back. Worldmage decided that it would be better to distract Asuka, and did so until his fellow author called for him.

"Ok, I want an explanation now!" Worldmage was clearly distraught over his friend's behavior.

"Alright. You know I said I had a plan. Do you remember those things I asked you to get for me?" The Dane spoke quietly, as if to pacify a rabid animal.

"Yeah, yeah. Get to the point," Worldmage grumbled.

"Those were items used in the summoning of a demon lord of the sixth abyss of Hell. I had planned on getting him to help me." The Dane fiddled nervously with his fingers, so he didn't notice the sudden widening of his companion's eyes. "But apparently, the demon lord was out and had put his son in charge of watching over the matters that needed tending to."

"So, we now have the child of a greater demon lord in our custody," Worldmage said flatly, resuming his usual composure.

"Yes," The Dane said. "But I wouldn't worry about him causing any mischief. It seems that all magic is relatively weak here, so he shouldn't be a bother."

Worldmage gave The Dane a disgusted look. "Listen to yourself," he snapped, then mimicked his friend's voice. "'He shouldn't be a bother.' NOT! He LIVES to be a bother! It's a demon-child we're talking about!" Worldmage was obviously miffed.

"I'll take that as a sign of disapproval of the current situation." A young voice cut through the discussion. Worldmage and The Dane snapped about to see the kid sitting cross-legged and regarding them with obvious contempt. The Dane motioned as if to summon up a spell once more, but was halted by Worldmage.

"It seems that we're all in the same boat here. If we somehow can find a way home, we'll be glad to assist you." The little demon snorted at Worldmage's proposal.

"HA! When my father comes home and finds me gone, he shall call upon his legions of dog-faced demons and devour your souls!" The demon-kid turned his head and crossed his arms over his chest.

"No, he shan't," The Dane said to the little demon matter-of-factly, "he can't visit a world this far removed unless summoned to it, or unless there's an open portal handy. And it seems that my companion and I are the only two magic-users in this entire world, and the only relevant portal has closed. So your threats are an exercise in futility."

"Actually—" said Worldmage.

"WHAT!" The demon facefaulted. "You KNEW that, and summoned me ANYWAY?"

The Dane gave the demon an evil grin. "I'm a sorcerer, magus, and conjuror of the Second Order. I know such things."

The demon blanched. "Second Order? Shit… that's why you were able to summon the elemental force necessary for a lightning ball." Suddenly a light bulb appeared over its still-SD head.

"OK, spawn, what's the bright idea?" asked Worldmage.

The demon was surprised. "What, are you psychic?"

"No, I'm psychotic. And you're still SD." Worldmage pointed sardonically at the light bulb.

The demon reverted faster than it took Shinji to snap while sitting in an Eva cockpit, and explained his idea to the two magicians.

Meanwhile, in a room under Central Dogma in NERV, Gendo and Fuyutsuki were poring over the spellbook Worldmage had brought with him.

"This is incredible! All this will assist us greatly in our endeavors," Fuyutsuki breathed in amazement.

"Yes," Gendo agreed, obviously apprehensive. "However, I cannot shake the feeling that something is wrong, somewhere in the city…"

"WHAT?!" Asuka's scream nearly shredded the eardrums of all people within 10 kilometers. The Dane, the demon, and the dork (Worldmage) winced.

"I said, he's a relative of mine. Apparently, he found out where I'm living and decided to come visit for a while." The Dane cast a sideways glance at the little demon, which had transformed into human form. "Dennis" now resembled a boy of fifteen or sixteen years.

"Greetings. I am Dennis. It is a pleasure to be acquainted with the illustrious Mistress Langley. Word of your great skill has spread like fire on the Jutlandic heath." The demon recited the exact words that The Dane had told him to. It had been a long argument, but this introduction was designed to divert Asuka's attention and wrath. And since she was the most intelligent member, after Ritsuko, of the Katsuragi/Akagi household, it was vital that she was ignorant of some of the things that went on. Now that she was mollified, all they needed was something to take Ritsuko's attention off the demon, and things would be much easier.

"Well," Asuka grinned, "it's good that you know your place. Your elder relative could learn from your example." She patted the demon on the shoulder and turned away after winking at him. "The only permanent rules in this house are 'knock before you go into the bathroom,' and 'no free peeks.' Remember that and you'll be fine." Then Asuka swaggered away.

"What a tease." The demon was on the verge of drooling.

Worldmage whapped him over the head. "Get a grip," he said sternly. "This isn't Urotsokidöji, so you'll keep your paws off the females!"

Dennis grinned, well, demonically. "You know, my uncle was actually in Urotsokidöji. He told me about it in the days before some thrice-cursed Hebrew warrior slew him."

"About Asuka…." The Dane leaned over to Dennis and whispered something in his ear.

"Ouch…." The demon paled. "She'd really do that to me?"

"Yup. Without a moment's hesitation, and probably even if she knew what you were," The Dane said gravely. "In fact, if you get off THAT easy, you'll be lucky."

The demon went very pale and silent, simply asking for his room. The Dane took him there.

Worldmage was making supper. The household was having potatoes au gratin with steak. Rei had agreed to try eating the meat if hers was well done, so that was #1 on Worldmage's to-do list.

"Whaddaya doin'?" Dennis was looking curiously at the strange human customs being performed in front of him.

"I am making supper," Worldmage stated with a sideways glance at the demon. "Don't your people eat supper? I know that you need sustenance."

Dennis shrugged. "I do not believe that I've given it much thought. I just devoured whatever was within my reach. A lizard here, a cow there, a mouthful of human flesh for a snack…. I mean, I never considered cooking the stuff I ate. Maybe that would be worth a try some time."

Worldmage forced a chuckle and shook his head. "You should try having supper with us. I can explain table manners to you before we start." The demon nodded at Worldmage's suggestion.

"Sounds great to me. Can I sit next to the redhead?" Dennis smiled innocently. Unfortunately, he also showed off his three-centimeter-long incisors.

"First, I think you'll want to do something about the teeth," Worldmage remarked dryly.

Dennis grinned even wider. "But do I get to sit next to the redhead?"

Worldmage suddenly grinned back with a feral look in his eyes. "No! You get to sit between the neurotic kid with the annoying voice, and the albino. And if you unduly disturb either of them, I'll pull your True Name out of your scrawny arse and bind you forever into the nasal cavities of a congested sea turtle!"

Dennis growled and went to find somebody more fun.

"What?" Shinji looked up from his SDAT introspection.

"I said that a relative is staying over for a few days," the big Norseman said, with an obvious edge to his voice.

"I did not know you had any relatives in this world, Dane-san," Rei remarked.

"Well, neither did I," snapped The Dane. "But nevertheless, he's coming to stay and it would be rude to turn him away."

Rei cocked her head in thought. "I believe you are right, but was it not rude of your young relative to arrive unannounced?" she asked.

"Yes, but it would be even more rude of us to turn away a visitor. I thought you Japanese were oh-so polite. I'm shocked, Rei." The Dane put as much shock into his voice as he could, and was rewarded as Rei's cheeks turned the slightest shade of pink.

"Gomen, Dane-san," she muttered. "But I have never been taught anything of manners. Ikari-shirei never meant that I should have need for them."

The Dane patted her on the shoulder. "Don't worry about it, I was just joking. At any rate, you're way more polite than the redheaded succubus." Rei blinked at him.

"What about you, Shin-man? You cool?" Shinji smiled absently and nodded at The Dane. "Sure. It'll be fun with another boy in the house." Shinji had no idea about what was in store for him.

-

The two Russian commandos looked at their Swedish colleague with massive sweatdrops hanging off the backs of their heads. This probably had something to do with the voodoo-doll she was furiously poking burning needles into while uttering oaths and curses in Swedish.

"Förbannade Danskjävel, skitstövel. Du skal dö, dit fan! Jävlar DANSKJÄVEL! HELVETE!"

Thus, the three Matrix-escapees proceeded with their plan. They would take out the Danish one first, eliminating the major threat while planning the demise of their true target.

—

Author's Notes: Whoops, things got more dangerous all of a sudden, didn't they? Will our heroes survive the plotting of the "Nanite Queen" commandos? What's going on in Gendo's head? (As if anybody can really answer that one!) AND WHAT ABOUT DENNIS? That kid is a Menace; that's what he is!


	7. Plot's not thickening? Use corn starch!

Disclaimer: "Whatever…"

Involuntary, Loopy SI part Sieben:

"Durrr…"

Dinner in any building containing Misato was never quiet. When Asuka, Shinji, Rei, Pen-pen, Ritsuko and her innumerable cats, Worldmage, The Dane, and the son of a greater demon-lord were thrown into the mix, well… let's just say that things didn't get any quieter. In fact, it would be fair to say that people had been moving out of the neighborhood for the past several weeks, for a multitude of reasons. One of the reasons was NERV's pilot-health standards.

"WHY CAN'T I HAVE A BEER?" Asuka and Dennis shouted in unison.

"Because," Misato growled, "Asuka, you're an Eva pilot, and Dennis, you're too young."

Dennis pointed an accusing finger at The Dane. "But he drank his first when he was thirteen!"

Misato shrugged. "Different times, different people. But I'm not gonna be responsible for any of you if you get drunk."

The Dane snorted. "You can't even be responsible for yourself after a couple of beers, Misato. Give the kid a beer and get it over with," he said with great irritation.

Misato leveled a venomous glare at him. "You know as well as I do that I can't give him a beer and let her have none. It's not fair." She pointed to Dennis. "Besides, he's YOUR responsibility!"

The Dane dropped a hand into his now ever-present bag of everlasting lager, took out a Heineken and threw it at Dennis. "Now I'M giving him a beer. Are you happy?" He took out a beer for himself, opened it and muttered into the can as he drank deeply. "That woman is simply insatiable; I'm surprised she can keep on being so self-righteous."

Worldmage leaned over and whispered to his compatriot: "Don't get her angry! She's already had seven beers, and there's no telling what she might do to you if you keep this up. And believe me: when she gets drunk, she WILL avenge herself on you or both of us somehow."

The Dane just grinned. "Yeah, right. If she incapacitates even one of Gendo's precious pilots, which now includes us, she'll get punished so badly that even Dennis would get sick."

Worldmage gave The Dane a long, steady look. "You know," the American said, "there're ways to avenge oneself grievously upon people without making them less useful as pilots. And who knows? It might even improve your synch ratio."

The Dane narrowed his eyes at that and popped out another beer. "Fine. I shan't say more to distress her tonight." The Norseman downed the beer and dug into his meal with a vengeance.

…

"You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me, motherfucker? I don't see any other Evas around, so you MUST be talking to me! Want some o' this, huh? HUH? WANT SOME O' THIS MOTHERFUCKER?! SHITLESS FUCK! BAMBAMBAM!" The Dane was busily pretending that he was Robert de Niro, standing in front of a mirror-glass building. Worldmage was trying to convince himself that this was all a bad dream. The other Evas were sweat-dropping. Ritsuko and Misato were trying hard to ignore the whole spectacle, as were the rest of the personnel assembled in Central Dogma. Thus far, it was a normal day at NERV circa 2016CE.

Today, Gendo was able to hold his cool for nearly ten minutes before he broke down and threatened to initiate Unit 6 21 11's self-destruct sequence—unless The Dane, or "Tetsuo" as he was officially known, ceased this ridiculous behavior. The Dane backed down, mainly because he found life more comfortable than death. He preferred the evil he knew over the evil he knew not.

"You know, that's gonna backfire on you one of these days," Worldmage said to The Dane over their private communications channel.

"Granted, but I'm having too much fun to stop right away." The Dane gave Worldmage a big SD-smile. Worldmage just rolled his eyes and turned off the intercom.

"Man," he muttered to himself, "he's getting far to comfortable in here." Worldmage sighed and concentrated on his AT Field. He found that doing matrix mathematics in his head helped a little, to the point where his Field could almost, but not quite, unfold.

Ya know, I could help ya wizzat. A voice resounded inside Worldmage's head.

"What? Who's there? What's going on?" He looked around in the plug.

Well, whaddaya think, ya schmuck? I'm yer Eva! The voice sounded irritated.

"Yeah, I guess I could have told myself that," Worldmage admitted. Then, "you know, you sound like you come from Jersey…." Worldmage was getting a little suspicious. "Is that you, Dennis?"

I'm not Dennis, ya putz! I sed, I'm yer Eva! The voice was obviously getting impatient.

"Well, I'd be happy if you could help me." Worldmage smiled and sat back.

Ok, kiddo, just siddown and take notes. The voice was now amused.

Meanwhile, The Dane was experiencing something similar.

You little fuck, you know you suck at this broke through The Dane's concentration.

"You sound just like my mother," the Norseman remarked sarcastically.

Though shit, but I'm your Eva, the voice snapped.

"Cranky, cranky. It must be true that Eva are female, you act like you're on PMS." The Dane chuckled at his 'joke' until an invisible force smacked against his face, jerking his head to the side and leaving the red mark of a woman's hand on his cheek.

That oughta fuckin' teach ya, the voice growled. The Dane raised his hand to the bruised cheek.

"Now you're behaving like my female cousin." He grinned. "When she's having her period—OW!" The force smacked him on the other side of his head, with the same effect.

"Now I'm pissed," The Dane growled. "I'm a mage, and I'm gonna find your soul and I'm gonna fuck it up, how's that for learning a lesson?" The voice just laughed in response.

Now, now. You wouldn't hurt the closest thing you ever had to a sister, now would you? the voice teased. The Dane's jaw went slack.

"It IS you! How the Hell did you get messed into this?"

The voice turned angry once more. Same as Yui and unit-01. I was testing this sucker and then I was absorbed. Then I found out YOU were the pilot. Aren't you a little too old for this behavior—and young for the year? The voice was more playful now.

"Well, yes I am. But I'm not here of my own will. A spell went wrong." The Dane chuckled. _She's going to have a field day at this._

I told you so, you moron! I said: 'One of these days, that shit is gonna backfire on ya!' But would you listen to me? No~o! You knew it all; there were NO problems at all. You litt—

"I never cast any spell. It wasn't my fault," The Dane interjected. "So you don't have to go off on a field trip." He grinned. "And if I suck at casting AT Fields, then let's see you do it better." She had always been such a sucker for challenges.

Ok, you're on, bro'. The force within his plug ruffled The Dane's hair and took over the AT Field.

"Um, Sempai…" Maya Ibuki whimpered. Ritsuko went over to the tech and looked at her station.

"Incredible. Their Eva are generating AT Fields without help at all," Ritsuko breathed.

Misato groaned and put her head in her hands. "Why do these robots keep on doing stuff like that?" She took a gulp of her coffee. "Can't they behave like normal mechas?"

Ritsuko grinned at Misato. "If they behaved like normal mechas, we wouldn't stand a snowball's chance in Hell against the Angels," the now non-bleached scientist calmly remarked.

"I guess you're right, but I hate it when we're forced to use things that nobody really understands." Misato sighed. "I just hope that some day, they'll start to behave as they're told."

"The mechas or the pilots?" Maya asked.

"Yeah," said Misato with a smile.

…

The Dane was very silent all evening, even during dinner. It was unusual of him to be silent at all, especially while eating. Worldmage was about to explode. Well, not literally, but figuratively. All sorts of tensions were building up in him, and his fellow author's odd behavior didn't help any. Neither had the weird events earlier that day.

"So, did your Eva speak to you?" they both asked each other simultaneously.

"Yes. Odd, ain't it?" The Dane remarked. "I think that my female cousin is in there."

Worldmage shrugged. "Well, at least you have an inkling as to who or what lurks in your plug. All I know is that mine sounds like an old-style Jewish yenta from somewhere deep in Jersey."

The Dane chuckled. "Well, I'm gonna try and speak to her the next time I'm in there. I'm very curious as to how the hell she got in. But just to be sure, I'm gonna test whatever's in there. She speaks a rare dialect of Danish, so I should be able to identify her by speaking our language."

Worldmage looked at The Dane blankly for a moment. "Whatever… I think I'm going to go think a little now."

"Hard for you, is it?"

"Shut thy mouth, and plague me with thy babbling no more."

Worldmage went into the study, which he had ritually cleansed after the demon summoning, and closed the door. Then he locked it. Then he pushed the desk in front of it. He turned out the lights, put in a pair of earplugs, and closed his eyes. Meditation is difficult for the easily distracted.

He tried the best he could to recall any spell; even the most useless ones might be useful to him in his present situation. He strained his thoughts and focused on the lone flicker of a candle in the middle of the dark room. Suddenly, after nearly an hour, a spell popped into his head.

"YES! I DID IT!" he yelled in ecstasy. And once again, he commenced the Mathematician's Happy Dance. Two more of Ritsuko's cats died in the resulting chaos.

Asuka wondered what her opponent's next move would be. She looked at her cards; she was in a very good position here. It was time she called his bluff. "I see you and I raise with two pieces of clothing." She smiled mischievously.

"You do realize that it will leave you with only your undergarments if you lose," her opponent warned.

"Yes, but it's worth it," Asuka replied. "It's just like life: one big gamble."

Dennis chuckled as he magically changed the cards in his hand to four aces and a jack.

Asuka chuckled as she slipped a joker out of her bra, completing the set with the three aces already in her hand. She then carefully discarded the eight it had replaced into her shoe.

They both grinned, simultaneously throwing down their hands—and then simultaneously facefaulting as they realized that they had virtually the same cards.

"You're cheating! Pervert!" they yelled in unison. Then they both left the room in a huff.

Worldmage was on his way to The Dane's room as the "red demon" and the demon-spawn stormed to their respective rooms, slamming the doors. He just shrugged.

"Whatever…."

As Worldmage neared The Dane's room, he was almost startled by a sudden roar of laughter. He opened the door to find a massive pile of Cola, Bacardi, and beer bottles and cans, flanking The Dane and Misato. In front of them was a smaller but still sizeable stack of videocassettes, mostly along the lines of "Slayers" and "Dragonhalf," and beyond that a TVCR that had apparently been pressed into service for an anime marathon.

"Hey, dude," The Dane greeted his friend, "did you know that they resumed the making of Dragonhalf after 2nd Impact? I guess people really needed something to make them laugh. God this's funny!" He chuckled heartily.

"I—," said Worldmage excitedly.

At that moment, something happened on the screen. Misato clutched at her stomach and began rolling on the floor, laughing her ass off. (Figuratively.) "AHHAHAHAHA! I CAN JUST IMAGINE ASUKA AS MINK, CHASING AFTER KAJI, THE DRAGON-SLAYING POP-STAR, LIKE SOME LOVESICK PUPPY! WAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"She ought to write a fanfiction about it," Worldmage muttered. Misato didn't hear, fortunately. Worldmage and The Dane sweat-dropped as she rolled and hooted. Shaking his head, the Norseman subtly removed all liquor from Misato's immediate reach. "She really doesn't know when she's had too much." The Dane grinned uncomfortably. Then he turned to Worldmage with an inquisitive look. "So, what did you want to say?"

"I remember a spell!" Worldmage exclaimed with a big smile.

The Dane just looked at Worldmage for a moment. Then he picked up a book and tossed it at him: _The Joy of Cooking_. "Why don't you try cross-referencing with this," The Dane said.

Worldmage just snorted and tossed the book back at The Dane. "Come outside with me, and I'll prove it to you!"

The big Dane hoisted himself into his wheelchair and brushed off his clothes. "Fine, just to let you prove your point." He looked to Misato, who had passed out and was now snoring on the futon. "She won't be any trouble for some time now." The Dane turned toward Worldmage once more and grinned. "She'll be even less trouble tomorrow when the hangover kicks in."

Worldmage rolled his eyes.

A quarter of an hour later, the two magic-using authors stood outside the mansion, moonlight playing eerily across their features. The Dane had insisted on propping himself up with crutches for the spell-casting. He was wearing his ceremonial gray robe, and the soft shimmer of a shielding spell surrounded him like a dark aura.

Worldmage stood across the yard from his partner, leaning casually against a tree. He cracked his knuckles one by one, adjusted his glasses, and grinned. "Are you ready, sorcerer?" he asked, as one would ask a little child if it wanted a lollipop.

The other nodded grimly and made a few subtle motions with his hand, whispering some words in Latin. "Now I'm ready," he said at last. Looking at the shorter man, he crossed his forearms protectively in front of him and challenged, "give it your best, Kabbalist!"

Worldmage shrugged. "OK. I'll lose the opening incantation; that ought to decrease the power to an extent…. DRAGON SLAVE!" He motioned towards The Dane, who sweat-dropped.

"Oh shoot!" was all that the Norse sorcerer could say before the spell blasted away most of the lawn and his shield with it. After the dust cleared, Worldmage strolled over to crater's edge and looked down to where The Dane sat with his face locked in a horrified grimace.

"I'm gonna get you for that one, you dirty creep!" The Dane growled as he got up.

"I don't think we should start a full-scale battle here," Worldmage cautioned. "In retrospect, we probably should have left town just for the demonstration."

"I'm not talking about frying your ass, at least not directly. I'm talking about revenge. You could at least have told me that it was THAT spell, so I'd have had time to redirect the energy." The Dane gestured and levitated out of the crater.

"But where would the fun be in that?" Worldmage smirked mischievously. The Dane growled some curses in Danish and dusted off his robe again before moving toward the house. "If this stains, I'm gonna give YOU the cleaner's bill, buddy."

Worldmage chuckled to himself. "I'll pay; it'll be worth every yen!" The Kabbalist grinned and followed his friend into the now wide-awake mansion.

Ritsuko's wrath would have woken up most of the neighborhood's inhabitants, had the explosion not already waked them. It had leveled three yards, a garage and part of the roadway, and shattered most of the windows on the street.

"WHAT IN GOD'S NAME HAVE YOU DONE TO THE FRONT LAWN?" the scientist yelled at the two unfortunate authors.

"It was HIS fault!" The now chibi-SD Dane pointed at the likewise chibi-SD Worldmage, who whipped out a mallet and whacked The Dane over the head.

"Shut up! It was as much your fault as it was mine!" Worldmage yelled.

"That's it," hissed Ritsuko. "The both of you are going to speak with the Commander!"

…

It was some time in the small hours of the morning. The two authors stood at attention before the massive desk in Gendo's office, wearing NERV uniforms and trying not to stare at the patterns etched into the floor and ceiling. The Dane's arms were beginning to ache from leaning on crutches for so long. Even Worldmage, who was used to holding still for long periods of time, was becoming dizzy when Gendo finally turned away from his view of the Geofront and sat down in his chair.

"You both know about the Instrumentality and Complementation projects. How?" He looked at the two as if caught between curiosity and boredom. They dared not mention that this was not the reason they had been sent to the office.

"We're magicians; we know such things," ventured The Dane.

Gendo rose from his chair. "You just 'know such things'? Hmmm…." Gendo walked around the desk and over to the two authors. Stopping in front of Worldmage, he gave him a piercing stare over the rim of his shaded glasses. 

Worldmage gulped and fought the urge to lapse into Yiddish. "'S'ist dee Varheyt… uh… it's true. We performed a divination to find out some more about where we were, and stumbled across this information by a complete and total accident. Really!"

Gendo narrowed his eyes at Worldmage's outburst. "Perhaps I should have you two removed," mused the older man. He heard a crackle and turned his head to see the other gaijin cupping a ball of lightning in his palm.

"We could destroy you and this entire facility before you could blink. Don't push us," warned The Dane. "All donkey-fun aside, don't make me do anything unpleasant."

Gendo made a growling noise deep in his throat. "As I was about to say before the interruption, I will allow you to _live_ in spite of everything. However, your knowledge WILL remain a secret. Understood?" Gendo looked at the Dane and Worldmage in turn. Worldmage nodded immediately, beginning to sweat. A second later, The Dane slowly followed suit. Gendo smirked. "Good. Dismissed." He turned his back on the authors as if he had already forgotten their existence, and walked back to the window and its view of the darkened Geofront.

The Dane glared at the Commander's impassive back, then launched a minor version of his lightning spell just from spite. Worldmage moved to stop him, but was too slow.

The jolt of electricity crackled and dissipated against a magical shield about five feet from where Gendo stood. "I said, you are dismissed," remarked the Commander blandly.

The Dane paled noticeably and made a hasty exit, truly amazing when one considers his crutches. He was followed closely by Worldmage.

"So NOW you say you had gotten emanations from him. Just fuckin' dandy, that!"

A heated argument between the sorcerer and the Kabbalist had been going on for over an hour now, ever since they had left NERV HQ on the way home.

"They weren't quite emanations as such; it was just a feeling he gave me. He hides it so well, I wasn't sure it was more than just a talisman or Shinto ward until we actually got into his place of power," Worldmage countered. "And each time I tried to ask you about it, I was interrupted.

"But it wouldn't have mattered anyway. You saw how strong that shield is. He must've been practicing since before he met Yui, probably since early childhood."

The Dane glared at Worldmage. "This's just great. Just when we finally thought we'd gotten the upper hand, we find out that he's had us at his mercy all along—" The Dane broke off, turned, and resumed his mad pacing of the room. In a wheelchair. He squeaked the handgrips with each turn.

"You're the one who was all concerned with 'getting the upper hand;' I've been afraid of him since we arrived…. And would you please STOP DOING THAT?" snapped Worldmage.

"When you stop snapping at me, I will," came the angry retort. There was a pause.

"Sorry, it's been a bit stressful." Worldmage took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. "Almost enough to make a guy snap, you know?"

The Dane chuckled. "'A bit?' I'm surprised nobody's buckled from the pressure by now."

From upstairs came the faint sound of Shinji screaming and whacking his head against the wall. He had gone over the edge when Asuka had started chewing on his SDAT tapes. She had lost her grip when Rei stood on her head, spinning around in circles and singing "Fly Me to the Moon." She, in turn, had finally snapped when Misato had a relapse into her laughing fit. Ritsuko was no less sane than normal, although what she and Gendo were doing in his office at the moment was enough to cast doubt on anybody's mental condition. So many plastic straps! But that's unimportant.

The Dane walked to the door and sighed. "Look, we just need to calm down and look at this from a new perspective, okay?"

Worldmage nodded and yawned mightily. "But first of all I'm going to get me some sleep. I really need it."

The Dane smirked. "Sweet dreams, man."

Worldmage did have a dream that night; although "sweet" would hardly be the best description. There were vague and violent shadow-figures moving through it. In the distance, he saw a creeping darkness that threatened to envelop the fic in angst and introspection, drowning out the humor and action and all that good stuff. At about three in the morning, a panel of literary critics who might have been drawn by Salvador Dali discussed the relative merits of using a serious plotline as a backbone for a humor-fic. It was rounded out by a small, pale child reciting logarithmic tables to a backdrop of techno music and swirling shades of gray.

The Dane's dreams were sweet to the point of being 5\/\/33+. They mostly involved food, women and beer in various combinations that would give this fic an NC-17 rating.

Rei dreamed of Third Impact. Shinji dreamed of a bullet-train ride. Asuka dreamed in German. Misato dreamed in a puddle of beer, sprawled across the kitchen table. Dennis didn't dream. Pen-pen—

Readers: "SHUT UP, ALREADY!"

—

Author's Notes: MONKEYS!! THEY WILL EAT YOU!!! THIS IS BAT-LAND!!!!


	8. In which The Dane confronts a Dialogue

Disclaimer: We don't own NGE. Gainax does. Hideaki Anno directed it. This fic contains spoilers, although the only important one is about how Maya dies in episode seventeen of the show.

Icky-Nasty SI Part 8,

Or "How Mary-Sue Ended Up in the Wrong Side of a Bathtub with Acid"

The Dane sat hunched over his two ancient books, reading them quietly and reverently. These tomes comprised a compendium of selected spells and teachings from the Necronomicon, the Keys of Solomon, Microwave Instant Classics, and other volumes of wisdom and lore. Most were even older than the fabled Book of Black Earth.

He heard something rustle, but assumed it was the wind, or Asuka sneaking a beer, or perhaps Pen-Pen looking for beef jerky to munch on. As he continued reading, however, the rustle grew a little louder and suddenly he heard a voice ask, "whatcha reading?"

The Dane snapped the book closed and whipped around to face Misato, panic evident in his expression. Anyone who had not been trained in sorcerous magic and attained a certain level of expertise could be driven insane by trying to read the books. There was danger of an attack of sheer terror, or just being overwhelmed by the mind-shattering power of the spells they contained. Those who were not thrown into gibbering lunacy might be made slave to the books until their minds finally did break, for these tomes were possessed of a will of their own: the souls of the two sorcerers who had long ago created them were bound to the very words on the pages by the power contained therein. Damn, that was a long sentence.

"Is it something dirty, or what?" said the oblivious Major with a wide grin. "Come on, let me have a peek." She pouted cutely and gave The Dane a look that would have melted his heart had he not been panicking.

"Please, keep away from these books! It's dangerous! And for the sake of us all, NEVER sneak up on me like that again!"

Misato wondered why the young man would behave so oddly, but figured she was better off not knowing some things. "Suit yourself, you weird gaijin." She shrugged, but was surprised when the young man grabbed her wrist.

"I mean it. This isn't something to keep until later, nor is it a game. Keep away from these books. They're extremely dangerous for untrained persons such as yourself."

Misato was now puzzled. "Untrained in what?" she asked as she leveled her 'I'm ordering you to explain what the Hell's going on' look at The Dane. He sighed and got up painfully from his chair, motioning for Misato to follow him as he walked over to the window and opened it.

"Behold," he said, drawing a giggle from the guardian.

"Mm… I love it when guys get all biblical," she purred in a husky voice. However, the Dane remained grim. He began chanting in a strange language and drawing sigils in the air, which in itself would have been strange enough for Misato, but they actually burned with blue flames as he created them. Then he shouted the last word, drew a circle around the symbols, and with the flat of his hand, he struck the disk that had formed. Misato gasped and shielded her face with her arms as the disk slammed into a big dead tree across the road from where they lived, reducing it to a pile of smoldering ash.

The Dane shrugged casually. "That's what I'm trained in."

Misato just nodded and blinked dumbly. She accepted the beer that the Dane handed her; he chuckled and opened another one for himself. "Cheers, babe," he said, downing the lager in several big gulps. Misato swallowed hers in one.

Across the street, in an unmarked black van, sat three very upset women.

"The specs never said he was capable of doing things like that," commented one in Russian.

"This is bad enough, but what if it's true that the Exiles sent him a protector?" said the Swede.

"Then we bring in the heavy artillery," said the driver. Having ended the discussion, she drove away from the house into the night.

-

A tall man, looking in his late twenties, dressed in a black Armani suit, stood at the Tokyo-3 light rail station. He glanced at a piece of paper from his breast pocket and grinned smugly. He looked around, seeming to find the information he desired as he walked over to where the taxis were. He squinted for a couple of seconds at the kanji on the signs there, then bent to enter one of the cabs.

A quarter of an hour later, the man got out of the taxi some hundred meters from the Akagi/Katsuragi household. He looked at his piece of paper again and narrowed his eyes, then walked purposefully towards the house, his long legs crossing the distance quickly. He went to what he guessed to be the front door and rang the buzzer.

"Who is it?" asked a young woman in Japanese, her voice laced with a faint yet distinctive European accent.

"I am a friend of the one known as 'The Dane,' also known officially as Kusanagi Tetsuo. I believe he lives here, correct?" The man spoke curtly in English. The young woman, who turned out to be a redheaded German Mischrasse, hesitated and then opened the door.

"Thank you, Miss." The man inclined his head in thanks.

"You're welcome. It's always nice to meet civilized people. I gather you're not from around here?"

The man smiled. "No. I am not from anywhere. I have no home."

That made Asuka gasp. "Then, that means that you're an—"

"Exiled Dane. Yes, Miss. Where is other one?"

Asuka's trembling hand indicated the doorway at the end of the room. "Just down the hall; it's the second from last room on the left."

The man inclined his head again. "Thank you very much. I will go take care of the matter now." He strode down the hall, stopping at the appropriate door. He knocked.

Asuka scurried into the kitchen, where Rei was fascinated by Shinji's demonstration of the noble art of Boil Water for Tea. They turned to look at her.

"There's another one!" she said. "Another crazy one. Another Dane. Another crazy Exile-Dane; he just strolled on in wearing a suit worth half a million yen, and he's going to hobnob with the other one and together they'll be more than twice as crazy as the sum of their parts!"

Shinji blinked as the smoke of confusion poured from his ears. Rei pondered for a moment, then held out a tin of packets.

"We're making Irish Breakfast," she said. "Would you like some?"

Meanwhile, Thomas had received no answer, so he knocked again. There was a rustle from within and he heard the click of the door unlocking. A young man slid the door open; the older one looked at the picture he had been given and then at the youngster again.

"Yes? Who are you and what do you want?" said The Dane shortly, annoyed that his reading had been interrupted yet again. At least it wasn't Pen-Pen and that female penguin from down the street this time, but it was still annoying.

"Have you forgotten your manners, young one?" said the older man, and held out an ID card. "Thomas Sørensen of the former Royal Hunter Soldiers." He saluted smartly and stood at attention. "I've been sent by the Danish People's Parliament for your protection. I will take residence here and/or follow you wherever you choose to live/go." The Dane just looked at the guy, amazed that somebody could actually say the slashes out loud and not sound stupid.

"They never used to give youse any fuckin' Armanis…" he muttered as he looked at the man, now very suspicious. "Aggemam?" The Dane suddenly said. The other Dane grinned.

"Nej, det' ikk' mam. Det' en motions-cykel," he responded.

"Ikk' mam?" The Dane asked, grinning.

"Ikk' mam," replied the older man, a smile spreading across his face as well.

"Aggemam?!" The Dane went off again.

"Maybe we should just put on the Gramsespektrum CD," commented Thomas with a chuckle.

"Can't blame me for testing you," said the Dane. Thomas nodded.

"Indeed. It was wise of you to try me like that." He looked around.

"Is this where all the Eva pilots live? Are you that many?"

The Dane grinned. "Nope, NERV's just showing off. But this means that there's a load of space for everyone and then some. We could board you for a week and nobody would notice."

Thomas looked around again. "Then I shall take residence here. I just hope that all problems will be sorted out… or was that an unlucky thing to say?"

Suddenly there was the sound of a gun being cocked, and Misato rushed down the hall, pointing a .45 at Thomas' head. "I don't know what you're doing here, but I'm giving you two seconds to get away from the—"

Misato never finished her sentence, because Thomas ducked, swept her legs from underneath her and grabbed the hand with the pistol, all in one fluid motion. Then he put one leg across her upper body, pinning her arms. With one hand, he held the captured gun to her chest, and with the other, he laid a knife from up his sleeve across her throat.

"Thomas, meet Misato. Misato, meet Thomas," The Dane said sarcastically. "She's the household guardian and NERV operations officer. He's my… what's your function, anyway? Bodyguard, or what?" He looked quizzically at Thomas, who released Misato slowly.

"The appropriate term would be 'protector.'" He grudgingly gave Misato her gun back. "Pardon my behavior, but I am assigned to protect this young man here, and you posed a perceived threat."

Misato rubbed her neck and moved her head about to loosen the muscles. "And any threat is to be eliminated?" she grumbled. Thomas nodded, smiling.

"Yes, exactly. I am glad that you see it my way. Should you find yourself wanting to repay my help with that, I know some—"

The smack of Misato's lightning-fast "Open Palm of Female Fury" upon Thomas's cheekbone resounded through the neighborhood and scared off flocks of birds.

"Ow," murmured The Dane as Thomas's head whipped to one side.

"An eye for an eye, buddy. If you think payback's only a bitch, you have another think coming!" The furious Major turned on her heel and stalked off. Thomas was amazed.

"Wow. I have never experienced such a swift and powerful blow in my entire life." He rubbed his cheek and winced a bit.

"In anime circles, we call it the female's 'hentai reflex'…. Welcome to the Akagi/Katsuragi household," said Worldmage from behind Thomas, grinning.

The protector whirled around, grabbed Worldmage's face, and slammed his head to the floor. Then he stopped. "Is he a threat?" he asked The Dane.

"…No." The Dane sat down heavily in his wheelchair and bent over to help his friend up. "He's my companion and fellow pilot and… student of… ancient philosophy."

Worldmage stood up and offered his hand and a smile. "Well, I'm sure you'll be a good help when you finally do meet a threat," he said pleasantly.

Gottenyu, not another psycho Dane, was what Worldmage thought behind his smile.

Careful, buddy. I can read your thoughts. The Dane grinned at Worldmage.

Just great, thought the exasperated Kabbalist, and shook his head.

Thomas looked at the two young men, not quite understanding the exchange between them, but not really caring either. "I have to accommodate myself. Would anyone care to show me my quarters?"

Worldmage looked at Thomas wearily. "Take any room that's not already occupied. There're plenty, and they're huge. Just don't touch the room with all the books at the back of the house."

Thomas smiled and nodded. "Good. Then I shall take the one across the hall from the young one's quarters, the better to fulfill my function."

Worldmage tried not to smile too broadly. "'The young one'?"

Thomas nodded towards The Dane. "Him. That is his designation: 'the young one.'" Thomas sheathed the oyabun knife back up his sleeve; Worldmage noticed the weapon.

"Do you know Ninjitsu? I've been wanting to learn, but there are alarmingly few ninja left in Japan. Could you teach me?" Worldmage asked, explained, and asked.

"I know several kinds of martial arts. I can use almost all weapons known to mankind, and I can kill a man in more than six thousand ways," Thomas said as he opened the door to the room across the hall from The Dane's. Then he vanished into the room.

"Cute," Worldmage muttered. The Dane just chuckled and slapped him on the back.

"Feeling up for a drink?" he asked.

Worldmage nodded tiredly. "Mulled red wine, please." The Dane grinned as he and Worldmage made their way to the kitchen, also known as 'booze-central'.

The next morning, the second-best scientist in the known anime universe was annoyed at yet another addition to the table, especially because Thomas did not seem to be getting along well with Dennis. She was giving the Danes an earful about house rules when her fellow NERV officer staggered into the room with an icepack clutched against her temple.

"Ritsuko, just leave them alone," Misato groaned. "I have a headache, and they're going to be late for school. I can't see straight enough to drive them, so you'll have to."

Then The Dane got an idea. Everybody saw the light bulb appear, as he was still SD from being yelled at. "Uh-oh," was the unanimous reaction.

The Dane graciously ignored it. "Why doesn't Misato call in sick today? I can drive; give me the keys to the van and I'll take us all to school." The Dane smiled innocently. "Pleeeaaasse?" He upgraded his SD status to chibi, and his eyes grew huge and watery. He batted his eyelashes a few times and looked as innocent as humanly possible until at last Misato gave in.

"Fine. You can drive the van next to my car in the garage. But I'm gonna kill you if you scratch it," the Major warned. The Dane continued to give her his most innocent smile.

"Don't worry, I'm gonna take care of her as if she was my own. Except I'm smart enough to NOT buy crappy French cars like that bashed up Renault of yours."

He winked at Misato and elegantly dodged her thrown beer-can. Shinji, however, was not as swift as he entered the kitchen. A 'bonk' noise resounded in the kitchen, followed by the thud of Shinji's body hitting the hard tiled floor.

"Ow…" the Eva pilot moaned. The Dane gave an evil chuckle as Misato hurried to her young charge. Ritsuko rubbed her temples, her left eye twitching.

"It's too early in the morning for me to handle this without a smoke and a cup of coffee," she groaned and started fishing in her pockets.

"Here, have one of mine. They're hand-made 'cause I couldn't find my cigarette machine, but they should do well." The Dane winked at Ritsuko and offered her a package. "Just take the pack; I have more than enough." He lit up her smoke and handed it to her. Ritsuko gratefully accepted the proffered cigarette and took a long, hard drag.

One brief moment of brain damage later, everything just became—cool. It was just… cool. Ritsuko chuckled to herself and took another drag of the cigarette as The Dane hurried the children out of the house and into the waiting car. Dennis was stowed inside a magic circle in The Dane's room, with a computer for company. "After all," Worldmage had reasoned, "the Internet keeps millions of children sedated. Why not a demon-child? And besides, The Dane will the one who has to deal with the porn that Dennis is sure to download."

The Dane put the key into the ignition and savored the sound of the van's engine. "Now THAT'S German engineering: aggressive, assertive and powerful! But maybe I should meddle with it a bit." The Dane listened to the engine sound for another couple of seconds until an annoyed Asuka smacked him on the side of the head.

"Get moving, baka! I don't want to be late for school because you're busy getting off over some damn motor!" the redhead snapped.

The Dane snorted. "Ok, if you're really in THAT much of a hurry—!" He put the pedal to the metal and headed out for the road. Asuka immediately regretted what she had said about needing speed, especially since none of the pilots had buckled their seatbelts yet, and were now flung into the back of the van. Worldmage, already secured, just clung to the armrests of the front passenger seat.

"You _do_ know what you're doing, right?" he asked his friend apprehensively. The Dane just nodded, keeping his eyes on the road.

"The way there isn't a problem; she has an electronic map with GPS Uplink, so it's not that. The trick is for me to get used to right-steering and left-driving."

Everybody in the van sweat-dropped except for Rei, who was staring straight ahead.

"Hey, I'm sure it's just gonna take me a moment or so to get adjusted—I hope." The Dane shifted into the fifth gear and pressed the car on.

-

The Volkswagen roared onto the parking lot of the school and circled around. The driver fitted it snugly between two cars up against the curb, using the hand brake to spin it into position.

"Like that, huh? I saw it in a Blues Brothers movie." The Dane unbuckled his seatbelt and looked over his shoulder. "As promised, I got us here with time to spare." Then he saw the terrified faces of Asuka and Shinji staring back at him. The two were clutching onto each other as if their lives depended on it, which they probably had, given The Dane's driving. Rei just sat there, her red gaze seeming to bore through the seat in front of her. The Dane turned to Worldmage, who was still gripping the armrests of the front passenger seat with a fervor that belied his calm face. "Fahrvergnügen," muttered the Kabbalist.

"Well, I'm gonna go to class. You guys can just hang out here if you feel like it." The Dane exited the van and went to find some of the other people from the class to socialize with.

Rei was the first to speak.

"That was a deeply unsettling experience. I am unsure whether or not I prefer him to Major Katsuragi as a driver. However, I _am_ sure of one thing."

Shinji unfroze and looked at Rei. "What is that, Ayanami-kun?"

The albino turned her head towards Shinji and grimaced. "I am NEVER going to put up with something like that, EVER AGAIN!" she hissed, then slapped Shinji, straddled over him, and exited the van in a huff.

"Wow—did Wondergirl just display an emotion?" said an unsettled Asuka.

"Yes," Shinji answered. He was shaking violently.

During class, Worldmage looked down at his laptop. His MSN Messenger service was indicating an incoming message from The Dane.

Dane: I said I'd getcha!

WMage: You are a sick, sick individual.

Dane: But you've gotta admit that I'm good behind the wheel.

WMage: If you ever do any of the things you did this morning again, with me as passenger, I shall make sure that you never have any kind of beer ever again.

Dane: You wouldn't

WMage: Wanna call my bluff?

Dane: …

WMage: I thought not.

Dane: You're no fun. I'm gonna bug Shinji instead.

WMage: You do that.

The Dane chuckled as the virus he had planted in Worldmage's laptop during their conversation seeded and began to work. The Dane then initiated the chatroom function.

Dane: Shinji, feeling fresh enough to skip the last few classes? ^_~

S. Ikari: Why? O.o;;

Dane: To help me check up on a little home experiment. Unless Ritsuko left for work, in that case we'd have to go down to NERV.

S. Ikari: Sure, why not... I doubt that the Sensei will even notice us being away.

Suzuhara: Can I tag along as well?

SpectacledGunman: Me too!

Dane: Sure, Kensuke. I don't see why not.

Red: What are you baka boys talking about now? It better not be me!

Dane: I doubt the language would be THIS civil if it were about you, Asuka.

Red: Screw you guys!

Dane: I thought you were saving yourself until the right man came along, but if you REALLY want it THAT bad I think we can arrange a schedule of sorts...

Suzuhara: *lol*

S. Ikari: What, shifts? Count me in!

SpectacledGunman: She's pretty, but I wouldn't do it for all the money in the world, man!

ClassRep: You perverted baka-gaijin! Ecchi hentai!

Red: WHAT WAS THAT? VERDAMMTE HOLTZKOP!

The Dane felt something heavy and hard crash against the back of his head. His face slammed into the table. He looked up to see Asuka twiddling her fingers innocently beside him, her laptop broken in half. He looked at her viciously and then wrote her a little note, which he passed to her. She read it, paled and wrote something on the back of it, then handed it back to The Dane.

He read her note and gave her his most vicious and evil grin. He nodded a few times and then resumed his chatting. Asuka gritted her teeth and shot a lethal stare at her fellow Norseman. The class stared at this exchange, excepting only the sensei, and Worldmage, who was typing and clicking furiously in an attempt to save his hard drive.

Dane: Now she's at least semi-pacified, and more importantly, she can't monitor our chat.

SpectacledGunman: Man… that looked nasty. I 'm surprised the sensei didn't notice it...

Suzuhara: And that your nose didn't break. But the sensei's halfway deaf and blind. The only thing he can do is ramble on about 2I.

S. Ikari: That's right. Hey, anybody want to see the darkfic I wrote?

Horaki: Would you idiots pay attention to the class in progress!

Suzuhara: Hey, I'm listening to the sensei! ^_^

Horaki: That's good, Touji-chan.

SpectacledGunman: You're SO whipped!

Suzuhara: I am not!

Demon: If anyone's whipped, it's Shin-kun. And he's not even getting anything for it. *ROTFLMAO*

Suzuhara: All you people think about is sex. I think you're disgusting!

Horaki: You tell them, Touji! I just LOVE it when you get all assertive and macho.

SpectacledGunman: Carpetbagger!

WMage: Hey, what's Dennis doing here? I thought it was a closed network!

Demon: I have my methods.

SpectacledGunman: Funny you mention it. SysMon detects an unauthorized user, guys.

WMage: That's fine. I got something for you from your COUSIN, Dennis. Hope you don't mind I added a couple lines to the code.

+ FILE TRANSFER INITIATED +

Demon: What's this? You

+ Demon HAS LEFT THE CHATROOM +

Dane: Class is ending soon. All who wanna come with me, just follow me out of the room and down to Misato's van.

The Dane grinned as he logged off. He turned his head toward Worldmage and got a disgusted look. But nonetheless, Worldmage followed his compatriot out of the room and down to the van with the others when class ended.

"Man, I'm really glad that Misato got this vehicle. Otherwise there wouldn't be enough room for all of us." The Dane grinned as he saw all the people assembled: Touji, Kensuke, and Shinji, Hikari and Asuka were all present. Worldmage had brought up the rear with Rei, of all people.

The Dane caught a meaningful glance from Worldmage as he ignited the engine, and growled some utterly vile oaths under his breath.

-

The little experiment that The Dane referred to was now in full progress as Fuyutsuki and Gendo were witness to a very disturbing sight: a quiet and relaxed Ritsuko.

"Man, I feel so much better. I've been stressing like a maniac all these years without really stopping to smell the roses." She was sitting in her chair at the bridge and smoking what looked like homemade cigarettes. Gendo recognized the smell immediately.

"Ganja… go get that gaijin! This time he has gone too far!" Gendo's brows had folded, and his entire face darkened, in an unusual display of anger. He was on the urge of popping a vein when his chief scientist drawled from below the commander's platform.

"You know, this way I can get twice the work done. Now I can just take a drag, and look at it all from a fresh perspective." Ritsuko got up and gave a cat-like stretch and a yawn. "I feel great, and a fresh perspective gives one fresh inspiration… for all sorts of things… right, Gen-chan?" purred Ritsuko. Gendo called off the headhunters as he fought to suppress a nosebleed. Contrary to Ritsuko's predictions, they weren't going to get much work done at NERV that day.

-

"Well, I'm impressed," Asuka said, with only the slightest hint of sarcasm in her voice. "You actually got us there quickly, yet without any insane stunts. Not even a hand brake turn. You ARE good." She patted The Dane on the shoulder as the van pulled up in front of the Katsuragi/Akagi household.

"You have no idea how hard it was for me not to make any stunts," the now disheveled-looking man moaned. Worldmage chuckled.

"You really should appreciate that compliment. After all, she's not likely to hand them out on a regular basis."

The Dane turned to Worldmage and grinned. "Right now, I don't care. I have an experiment to check up on." With that cryptic statement, he also entered house, laughing ominously. Worldmage just sighed and shook his head.

"I wish he'd tell me what's going on inside that head of his once in a while! I hate having to read through his thoughts, it's scary…."

-

The house was empty except for a very annoyed Dennis, who had thrice-cursed his computer after it had crashed on him. After the bust, a clearly annoyed Dane drove the group, with Dennis along for the ride, to NERV. He looked as if he needed to channel some aggressive energy—which is what he did.

"I thought that we had established a driving etiquette," Worldmage growled as The Dane wove in and out of the traffic at approximately 200 kilometers per hour.

The Dane turned his head a bit to look at Worldmage. "Huh? What do you want? I'm concentrating here." He narrowly avoided slamming into a semi-trailer truck as Worldmage subtly redirected his friend's attention to driving.

"EYES ON THE ROAD, MAN!" Worldmage closed his eyes and began muttering as they fit with less than an inch to spare between a bus and a metal rail. "Lord, I'm about to die. Sh'ma Yisrael, Adonai Eloheynu, Adonai Echad…."

The Dane huffed and returned his full attention to his driving.

Meanwhile, the other inhabitants of the van were in a similar state of disarray. Shinji was clutching at the sick-bags. Rei was wondering what a car-crash would feel like—she had not died like that before. Kensuke was wondering if he should kiss Rei or Asuka, and which one he'd be more likely to succeed with. Dennis hoped that a near-death experience would cause his corporeal body to dissipate into smoke and banish him back to the Abyss for one hundred years. Not that he particularly wanted to return to _this_ world ever. Asuka was thinking about either kissing Shinji or killing The Dane before he got them killed. Hikari and Touji were making out; he had taken advantage of her clutching onto him in a moment of fear. Finally, the car screeched to a stop. The Dane turned off the engine, opened his door, and jumped out into the NERV parking lot #812.

"Dude, what are you doing?" asked Touji, sounding winded.

"We're here. I can't drive longer than this, man."

Worldmage snapped out of the daze he had sunk into. "Wha?"

The Dane laughed softly. "We're there. No need for driving any longer, and you guys can come along and see the fun." That drew some minimal cheers from the group of youngsters as they slowly exited the van on wobbly legs.

"So, what's the big rush?" an annoyed Worldmage asked The Dane on the elevator ride down to Central Dogma. "What's so great you had to risk our lives on the way over to see it?"

"You'll see. When we enter the bridge, we should see Ritsuko…" he trailed off dramatically as the elevator door opened to reveal—nothing.

"We'll see what, baka?" sneered Asuka, drawing a hostile look from The Dane.

"Hmm… I'm sure that the stuff I gave her was the hardest I had," The Dane muttered under his breath. Then he suddenly heard Ritsuko and Gendo's voices. Grinning evilly, he hurried towards where the voices came from.

"Hey, dude. This's just like college, man." Gendo was sitting cross-legged in his commander-box with Fuyutsuki and Ritsuko, taking puffs of the weird 'cigarettes' Ritsuko had gotten from The Dane earlier that morning.

"Good God. They smoked all that weed; it was fuckin' pure. No real tobacco at all!" The Dane seemed crestfallen. Worldmage reacted no less emotionally.

"We're all going to die!" he groaned. "Die! You've single-handedly killed the human race!"

"It seems like they did quite a lot of the stuff in college," remarked Touji, drawing an annoyed glance from Hikari.

"Yeah, but who doesn't?" Dennis chuckled, nudging Asuka in her side with an elbow, getting a whap over the head in return.

Worldmage just shook his head and muttered, "Damn kids…."

Kensuke turned to him. "How old _are_ you?" he asked. "You don't look over twenty."

"I'm over five thousand years old, and right now I'm feeling every second of it. Too damn tired." Without further ado, Worldmage crumbled into a pile of dust.

-

Just kidding!

—

Authors' notes: A lot of crazy stuff's goin' down. When will it all make sense? When will Gendo's plans be revealed? When will our, um, heroes finally escape? When will the brain damage from all that pot kill Fuyutsuki? When will we figure out that when Gendo was in college, Fuyutsuki was already a professor and Ritsuko was still in grade school? When will The Dane start driving like a responsible person?

Never, never, never, never, never, and never! Well, maybe.


	9. Loser geeks! Fun for the hugely bored!

Disclaimer: We hereby disclaim NGE. Not claim; disclaim. If you disbelieve, you're dissin' us, man. That's disrespectful, so we'll disregard you.

SI part NEIN! Or,

"How Mary Sue never saw the truck coming and how Rakna continued bitching about chunks of stuff in the grillwork of his new truck for days on end."

Worldmage [exasperated]: I really ought to edit this more closely…

The Dane [grinning]: It's like you're asking for it, dude. I make funky titles just to see you sweat.

Worldmage: Don't "dude" me, Goy!

The Dane: I resent that.

Worldmage: Like I _care_…

Worldmage [to readers]: The following dialogue has been edited to an extent, mostly because my esteemed colleague don't got no good English skillz.

The Dane: Fucker…

Worldmage: Evil English skillz, on the other hand, he has in plenty.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dane says: Nice talkin' to ya. And remember that beer is better because you're full before you get TOO drunk.

Dane says: And never drink more than four shots after the buzz kicks in if you wanna stay somewhat reasonable.

WMage says: Who drinks beer? Wine is better.

WMage says: I'm always reasonable

Dane says: Yeah, right... and I can see Satan Claus and his dark elves running from the purple killer sheep out on the plains... :P ;)

Dane says: And I drink beer.

WMage says:

WMage says: Excellent netcomic... read the archives when you find time

Dane says: I'll see if I can remember that... or you could just send it to me ;)

WMage says: Copy-paste

Dane says: Sluggy... linked under Megatokyo?

WMage says: Don't think so.

Dane says: hm...

Dane says: Piro reminds me a little of you... maybe we should have Misato going "OH MY GOD! HE SOUNDS JUST LIKE A 15-YEAR-OLD GIRL!!!!"

Dane says: LoL And then I could try and overclock the Magi naked. LMAO

WMage says: Hey, I'm the one who caught YOU using a feminine particle, macho-Dane-boy!

Dane says: ph33r m4 l33t n3kkid 5killz!

Dane says: I don't know Japanese, I'm excused. :O

Dane says: :P

WMage says: WhatEver

Dane says: Don't you Squall me! Joboi-chan…

WMage says: Juboi

WMage says: Sounds like "Jew-boy," get it?

WMage says: Play on words on "Jubei" which is an actual name

Dane says: LoL

Dane says: Just remember that you have to undergo some serious surgery if you're ever gonna get that friggin' eyepatch...

WMage says: Why?

WMage says: You can wear patches without losing the eye

Dane says: Jubei... wasn't that that guy from Ninja scroll...

Dane says: Yeah, but you have to be all bouncy and boinky and stuff like the old Samurai said.

WMage says: Now you DIE

Dane says: BREWHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

WMage says: [rocket array online in 10...9...8...]

Dane says: I'm not as ignorant as you might think ;)

WMage says: I'm glad you're knowledgeable, Grasshopper.

WMage says: [initiating launch sequence]

Dane says: powers up shield-spell Don't even try...

Dane says: If this can block Dragonslave, your puny missile won't even dent it. :P

Dane says: Besides, it is meant to take the full brunt of a thermonuclear blast. How do you think a Grey Guard foot soldier would survive all those spells in a battle?

WMage says: (mumble mumble mumble) RAGNA BLADE!

WMage says: WHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

WMage says: [Chops subspace in half]

Dane says: evades and starts looking through Necronomicon for a "Binding of evil conjurors"

WMage says: Too bad I'm not evil, eh?

WMage says: Blehheheheheheheh

Dane says: If you're trying to off me you are evil.

WMage says: Nah, jes' sparrin'

WMage says: If'n you pass out I'll stop 8) [bends the wind to his will]

Dane says: Dispel.

WMage says: Oops, too bad your shield got in the way of that!

Dane says: I can always cast another one. ;)

Dane says: Oh, well. I'll just settle for an ordinary binding then.

WMage says: [Summons Monty Python rabbit in yer PANTS]

WMage says: Bind that!

WMage says: [Blurs]

WMage says: [Eats ice cream]

Dane says: "By Enlil and Istar, by Moon and sword. Come forth ye powers of ancient gods and bind this being to naught

WMage says: Which being?

Dane says: You, Kabbalist

Dane says: Breaks rabbit's neck and eats it raw.

WMage says: EEEEEWWWWW

Dane says: I'm into full-blown sorcerer-mode now.

WMage says: Are you?

WMage says: [Invisible]

Dane says: grins evilly flame shield.

Dane says: And for the finale... Nova

WMage says: "Oh binding spirits, as this is in this place and time the field of pure battle, I abjure thee. Trouble me no more"

WMage says: [Reflection]

WMage says: Deal w/your own nova

Dane says: shite...

Dane says: Shield spell full power!

Dane says: it's more of an areal spell than one designated for one.

WMage says: eh?

WMage says: An area-of-effect spell, you mean?

Dane says: areal spell as in dealing with large groups of people needing to get toasty.

WMage says: Toastyfrog!

Dane says: You can't reflect it as it ain't for you as such, just your immediate area.

WMage says: That's fine, as long as I'm not hit. [Black obsidian katana... slices bloodily thru' shield like Eva-01 through Zeruel's AT field]

Dane says: teleports Now you're gonna find out why shield-spells are meant to withstand nukes in a world without them.

WMage says: Ohhh...

WMage says: [teleports]

Dane says: (think hydrogen bomb with 30mile blast radius)

WMage says: Coolness!

Dane says: And it's only minor Nova.

WMage says: [fiddles with sticks, then teleports to right behind Dane]

Dane says: I think this is getting us nowhere... or rather anywhere but where we should be... o.0

WMage says: [Taps Dane on shoulder] Hi! Thanks for leaving the back door open! ...where should we be?

Dane says: And we're destroying Ritsu's back lawn again...

WMage says: Bloody. She might get annoyed.

WMage says: I think we killed more of her cats too

Dane says: Don't mess with an edgy guardsman... there's a reason as to why warrior-mages are the fear of the Dark Federation...

Dane says: I happen to like cats, you meanie!

WMage says: Well, YOU killed 'em, with that area-of-effect spell!

WMage says: I used precision spells!

Dane says: What about you and your throwing spirits everywhere?!

Dane says: Yeah, right, precision in hitting everything but me. :P

WMage says: Hey, just count your lucky stars the Ragna Blade didn't hit

WMage says: I just banished the spirits you summoned on me! Well, except for the sword and the rabbit. I did summon those.

Dane says: maybe I should've cooked that one...

WMage says: Echhh...

WMage says: Yup

WMage says: And taken out the poison sacs, but that's alright. 8P

Dane says: bleh... Here we go. I have the sword of the chosen.

WMage says: So?

WMage says: It's a nice sword and all that…

Dane says: Then we'd have to fence...

WMage says: oho...

Dane says: But then again, warrior mages can employ magic when fighting, so that'd leave you WIDE open. ;)

WMage says: Who says I can't?

WMage says: [battou-jutsu stance] What style?

Dane says: Sephiroth stance badass style

WMage says: hmmm....

WMage says: [waits]

Dane says: We could go two-weaponed.

WMage says: Heh

WMage says: I'm just a bit slow on the two-handed draw

Dane says: mutters word of command and sword reshapes to two longswords Cute ability, ne?

WMage says: Cute.

WMage says: But if I pull off the Final Succession draw-cut, they'll not help you

Dane says: Check this: "Angelfire!" swords burn with eldritch flames'

WMage says: Oy…

Dane says: One word: Omnislash.

Dane says: with two swords.

WMage says: ten-foot rift under Dane!

Dane says: levitation

WMage says: Gale-force winds! HAHAHAH!

WMage says: Levitators are so easy to trap that way

Dane says: focus dispel

WMage says: d'oh!

Dane says: floats towards solid ground

WMage says: Golem hand forms out of solid ground

Dane says: flame-jet

WMage says: [ducks]

WMage says: ouch...

Dane says: Don't make me nova you....

WMage says: I'm not making you do anything

WMage says: 8P

WMage says: Always with the nuke spells, hm?

Dane says: The bigger the better

WMage says: Ohhh, somebody has spell-envy! It's not the size that matters; it's what you do with it!

Dane says: We should keep a log so we could y'know make a funny fight scene outta this.

WMage says: Or at least base one off of it. We both look like total geeks.

Dane says: yep

Dane says: I don't have disks, so you'd have to save it...

WMage says: ok

WMage says: I can see the bridge crew sweat-dropping, and the two commanders wondering why we didn't break this out vs. the Angels. But let's get back to business. We were comparing size. 8P

Dane says: acid needle size this! Golem melts away

WMage says: hey!

Dane says: That oughta teach ya!

WMage says: [Base pin]

WMage says: to neutralize the acid, you know

Dane says: Summons are unfair!

WMage says: Says the guy who summoned moon- and sword-spirits to tie me down!

WMage says: Unfair, hm?

Dane says: No, I invoked them, I didn't summon them

Dane says: lightning ball dumbass golem

WMage says: [copper rod collects lightening]

WMage says: Well, I animated the arm, not summoned

Dane says: I'll counter a summon with a summon...

Dane says: Don't make me wake up Cthulhu...

WMage says: [200,000 volt difference across Dane's left pinky-toe]

WMage says: You do and I'll feed him his medicine again

Dane says: jitters and smokes

Dane says: I'm gonna get you for that...

WMage says: Awww, poor baby. [Band-Aid]

Dane says: Omnislashes golem with the two-sword style.

WMage says: [flees across field, making "woohoo" noises like an old Daffy Duck show]

WMage says: Golem says: "owie"

Dane says: Golem crumbles as a matter of fact. Earth vs. steel is quite logical

WMage says: Yup. But it still says "owie"

Dane says: did it even have time to see it coming?!

WMage says: [Flame pillar walks down field]

WMage says: I dunno. Arms can't see all that much

Dane says: douses flames with water-spell

WMage says: electrifies water

Dane says: I just summon it

WMage says: [transmute water to acid]

Dane says: I don't touch it

Dane says: ice-spell on flames

Dane says: gets rid of the acid

WMage says: [Assumes Gatotsu stance]

Dane says: ?

WMage says: Kenshin reference. Holding the sword in back hand, parallel to the horizon.

Dane says: ah...

WMage says: [Charges across field so fast feet cannot be seen, burrows thru' ice and keeps on comin'!]

Dane says: Um... I actually have to leave now. It's 1953 hours.

WMage says: [stops suddenly]

WMage says: OK

WMage says: It was fun!

WMage says: Next time I'll get you fer sure!

WMage says: 8)

Dane says: takes out mallet and whaps Worldie across the head I said I'd get you back for the pinky-toe-thing! :P ;)

Dane says: Later.

WMage says: Itai! iteteteteteee....

Dane says: ?

Dane says: ite?

WMage says: Japanese for "ouch." Mostly. Tokyo-ben.

Dane says: oh...

Dane says: Well, Ja Mata.

—

**Author's Notes:**

Worldmage:

This was an actual IM conversation we had once; none of it was scripted or planned out, although as noted I edited it some. For starters, The Dane uses an odd mixture of British English and "gangsta" slang, which drives me up the wall. His worst atrocities upon American English, which is what I use, never reach you the reader. For the record, English is The Dane's third _Fremdsprache_ (foreign language) at least, so he deserves lots of credit for writing it as well as he does. Incidentally, this chapter also shows most strongly how dorky we really are. Eh.

But back to the fic. Ironically enough, I was the one who'd been drinking—most of a small bottle of imported sake over the course of the evening. Well, I wasn't drunk, but usually it's my European cohort who imbibes alcohol. I drink a couple ounces a week, usually. I'm afraid to ask him whether his marijuana references are just a joke or not. ;;

And yes, I am writing this vaguely Piroish commentary on purpose, for those of you who read it too. Although, The Dane has done most of the actual writing, by word-count, so he's the "Piro" (the principal artist) of this fic. That was a bit of an obscure reference, I guess, these days... remember when Largo was a part of the team? Wow.

I actually like this format a lot. I'd like to use it again some time; perhaps in a sort of "epilogue" episode where we answer notable questions and comments posted by the readership. But I've hijacked the plot for the foreseeable future, and may impose my own boringness on it for the rest of the fic if my esteemed colleague doesn't get off his duff and write more. Did you hear that, Tetsuo-kun? HAHAHAH!

For the record, we don't actually IM under our names. We go by our real names—but I changed them to protect the innocent, or the guilty, or whatever we are.

It's been a massively fun project so far, even if I have annoyed The Dane by failing to edit most of the other stuff he's sent me. Thanks to all of you (so far I have counted at least two loyal readers, neither of which is me) for your support and feedback and lack of mail-bombs.

The Dane:

Wow, we've got LOYAL readers? O.o;; Heh, never expected that, but then again, if I can get readers on Ikari Towers, then I guess that Worldie and I can get readers on this.

I'm just surprised that Worldmage would let people see just HOW fuckin' geekazoid we can get when one's overtired and the other's half-tipsy and both have been watching too much anime for their own good.

And no, the marijuana references ain't no joke. =P And I consume more alcohol in a good month than Worldie's consumed in his lifetime. (No kiddin' there either.)

My commentary's going to be short, though. I don't have all that much to say other than Worldmage's right about me having written most of the shit for this fic, but then again, he had a serious education and I didn't, at the time. But I'm going to get off the 'duff' and I'm going to write lots more. Don't worry. Right now I'm still recovering from a years-long writer's block, but I'll get back in business as soon as I get the time for fics. At the moment I've started trying to become a teacher, so I've got my work cut out for me.

Anyways, have fun and I hope y'all enjoy the fics to come.


	10. Possibly our most bizarre chapter yet

Disclaimer: The Dane and Worldmage do not own NGE or anything affiliated with it. We know it, you know it, and they know it. If anyone has any doubts, they must be pretty stupid. I mean, seriously, to think that sorry fucks like us would have a chance of even owning a tiny part of something like that, you'd have to be the single stupidest fuckhead on this godforsaken shit-hole of a lump of radioactive clay.

Worldmage: I think I'd better do all the disclaimers from now on… people might get less pissed off.

The Dane: Phht… fuck that. If they don't know we don't mean it, they deserve it.

Worldmage: There you go again; you're too aggressive at times.

The Dane: Sorry…

Worldmage: And then you revert to a sorry excuse for a real-life Shinji.

The Dane: Let's just get on with the fuckin' fic, ok? Okay!

Involuntary SI á la 'fuchsia,' Part Ten (that's "Heaven" in Japanese) or

"How Mary-Sue learned NOT to pull people's fingers, especially Worldmage's"

Worldmage: You really are a sick, sick person.

The Dane: It's just my way of coping. Rei acts withdrawn, Gendo acts cold, Shinji apologizes on behalf of the human race, Asuka acts like a bitch—

Asuka: HEY!

The Dane: —and I'm just plain offensive.

Worldmage: I don't think that "just" or "plain" quite cuts it…

The Dane: Whatever…

In Gendo's office, an interview is taking place. The newest addition to the household, Thomas Sørensen, is at NERV with Ritsuko to get his security clearance.

Thomas: On behalf of the Danish government in exile, I demand full security clearance.

Gendo coldly: Negative. You shall not have access to the secrets of NERV. You may have the same as the rest of the Ops staff, but no more.

Thomas smirking: May I remind you of the resources we provide? We can terminate our agreement very easily and suddenly. There is nothing you can do, Ikari-shirei.

Ritsuko: I don't believe he's a liability. We haven't ever had problems with the Exiles.

Fuyutsuki: We haven't had any from the Egyptians either. That just means that there hasn't been any chance for them to cause it yet. Always prepare for the worst.

Thomas: My only concern is the safety of the two new pilots.

Ritsuko curiously: Two? Only one is a Dane.

Thomas: The one goes with the other. Those were my orders. Shrugs It will take some pressure off of your Sector 6. I am worth at least ten of your best men.

Fuyutsuki whispering to Gendo: He's exaggerating, but he does have a point. If Sørensen-san takes residence there, we can take our agents off of those two, and put them to other uses.

Gendo folds his hands in front of him and ponders the options for a while.

Gendo: Very well. You shall have the clearance you requested. But use it carefully.

Thomas: You should not concern yourself with what I might do. I will discuss the details of my stay here with Akagi-sensei later.

Gendo: You may go now.

Thomas bows to Gendo and Fuyutsuki, and leaves with Ritsuko.

Fuyutsuki: You're not actually giving him full clearance, are you? Only we three have it, and I'm sure there're some things that you don't tell Akagi.

Gendo: Of course not. He can threaten all he wants, but we won't give him enough evidence for the Danes to withdraw their funding or Unit 6-21-11. As he said, his stated purpose is security… find a way to monitor him without arousing his suspicions.

Fuyutsuki: Won't he expect that from us? Let's wait until he's settled in, and then we can begin to monitor his moves.

Gendo: No. He'll expect that too. No, we'll just have to make sure that everything's in place before he's gotten to know the environment. Give him one of our scrambled-line security phones and track all his movements with the satellite if you need to.

Fuyutsuki: How about putting Kaji on his case? Our SEELE spy can watch the unknown, and Ritsuko can slip cryptic warnings to both of them that they should mind their own business.

Gendo Mr.-Burns-like: Exxxxxcellent.

The two chuckle with "evil-plan glee" and then proceed to play their latest game of choice: shôgi.

-

At the dinner table, a clear difference between the two Danes becomes apparent. One seems to devour everything edible within range; the other eats with military precision and swiftness.

Misato amazed: How can European people eat such large amounts of food and still not bloat up?

Thomas: It has something to do with us having a higher metabolism. We come from cold lands where we need to convert lots of energy to keep warm.

Asuka nods in agreement, gulping down her fourth big helping of fried noodles and rice with sweet & sour sauce.

The Dane: Does anyone know where you can buy meat around here? Don't you have cows?

Ritsuko: Since 2nd Impact we've relied on our technology and industry. We barely produce enough foodstuffs to feed the population. Vegetables simply take less energy than meat. What meat we do produce is mainly pork, but I think you could find some beef if you looked hard enough.

Worldmage: Pork bad. Not kosher. Veggies good; beef good. BEEF. It's what's for dinner. Or lamb. Or chicken. Or duck. Or fish. Or…

Misato: Um… I could see if I could find something. I know some people with the right connections.

Ritsuko mutters: The right connections to short-circuit your brain… drunkard.

Misato: I heard that, pothead!

Ritsuko: Whatever…

The dinner is finished quickly and people rise to take care of—stuff. Just stuff. Ritsuko locks Shinji in his room for further "detox procedures;" Misato begins to drink herself into oblivion; The Dane, Asuka and Worldmage are playing games on the PS4. Rei is watching them, and Maya Ibuki has come over to do some paperwork with Ritsuko and Misato. Which means that she's doing it all by herself, as usual.

Asuka to The Dane: HA! Dummkopf, jetz werd' ich dich ermorden.

The Dane sarcastically: Been a while since you spoke German, eh? Getting kind of rusty?

Asuka: Shut the fuck up or I'll whack your balls this time!

The Dane: I'd kill you before you even got close.

Worldmage: Just give me the controller, Asuka. You're defeated.

Speaker in game: FATALITY! rip, slash, smack splatter

Asuka holds stomach: I feel sick...

Maya: covers mouth with both hands

Rei cocks her head in interest.

The Dane: They sure DO make them realistic nowadays. Anyone for a quick snack?

Worldmage: Here, make that yummy tomato sauce you did yesterday.

The Dane putting down controller: Sure. Chunky or blended?

Worldmage: Um… chunky, but remember: not too chunky.

The Dane: Got it.

Maya runs out to the toilet for a few minutes. When she comes back, she is wobbling slowly and looking a bit white about the face. The two authors exchange v-for-victory signs across the room.

Rei curious: Why did the game trigger such a violent reaction in Ibuki-san? It's not real.

Worldmage casually: I dunno, but I'm hungry… Yells to The Dane in the kitchen HURRY UP WITH THAT FOOD, WILL YA?

The Dane yelling back: SHADDAP OR DO IT YERSELF! SCHMUCK!

Worldmage still yelling: PUTZ!

The Dane yelling still: JAHOO!

Asuka exasperated: Jackasses…

The Dane and Worldmage in synch: SHUT UP, ASUKA!

That just about takes care of the evening. The rest is filled with the usual snacking and violence and hentai sex—well, there has to be some SOMEWHERE in the city. None of our characters get any.

The next day in school, The Dane and Worldmage are sitting in the back of the class as usual, deep into a chat-session, ignoring the sensei. The Dane is, as usual, being an annoying goy. I mean guy.

D: You know, I'm not quite sure whether you should have that eyepatch. I don't think that you fulfill the criteria of—what was it again—being bouncy and boinking or something like that…

W: You never even saw the show, so get off my case about it already.

D: You know, I think we should all blame those fucking loony tunes who designed our ID cards. I mean, who in their right mind would make a bunch of perverts and geeks write anything that other people might take seriously?

W: "…"

D: would facefault if there were no people

W: I'm sweat dropping; how cliché is that… oh, Lord, I'm starting to sound like YOU!

D: You make that sound as if that was a bad thing. : P

W: You do realize that it goes like this:

D: I usually do it like this:

W: That's because you're weird.

D: We really ought to concentrate on our current situation.

W: Yes. You said you found something in the books.

D: They prefer to be called "tomes."

W: Great… what have I told about sentient magical items?

D: "Keep as many as you can?"

W: NO! You're incorrigible!

D: I do my best.

W: But what about the guy they sent to protect you?

D: Oh, Thomas… well, I don't quite know what to do with him. I'm looking to have him sluiced into the system here.

W: Makes sense. See if you can get me into the official protection program as well. Please?

D: Already done. He agreed that your continued co-existence alongside me was vital to my personal needs.

W: Ah, ok. Translation?

D: "Sure, if he's your buddy and it means THAT much to you, I might as well look after him also while I'm at it."

W: Thank you.

Suddenly the bell rings, signaling the end of the class-period.

The Dane happily, out loud: YES! I'm hungry; I better go get a sandwich or something.

Worldmage annoyed: You had breakfast two hours ago.

The Dane: Hey, I always eat. Bidahs Worldmage

Worldmage under his breath: At least I have the common courtesy to keep my urges in check until lunch-break, or until after we get home.

The Dane: Bleh…

After a long and harrowing day at school, Misato picks the Children and the authors up in her newly acquired mini-van and they all drive home.

Misato cheerily: So, how was everyone's day?

Shinji: Ok, I guess.

Rei: Acceptable.

Asuka: This sucks! I'm a College graduate! I know it all already, except for the stuff that's blatantly wrong! And even that's not hard to grasp! I can learn kanji on my own time!

Worldmage: I'm still in the process of regenerating brain cells, and unable to answer your question.

The Dane: Why do you ask that same question day after day? You know that Shinji won't get beyond a vague "maybe it was good in a way." Rei will say it was "acceptable." Asuka will bitch about being a college graduate and having to put up with disinformation, stupidity, and shit she memorized as an eleven-year-old. Worldmage will be a smart-ass. Then, I'll start complaining about how much this system sucks. And finally, you'll mutter:

Misato: sigh I need a beer...

The Dane: grumble Don't we all… I'm hungry.

Worldmage: "…"

Asuka: You stuffed yourself during every goddamn recess there was and during class when Hikari wasn't watching, and you're STILL hungry? I thought it was bad with Worldmage and his ramen, but this is just too much!

The Dane in an undertone: Remember the rules, Mädchen.

Asuka: Yeah, yeah. Whatever.

Worldmage eating despite van's motion: Whaff's wron wif' ramen?

Misato turns to look at Asuka and The Dane: I have half a mind to wash out both your mouths with soap.

The Dane nervously: You should probably keep both halves concentrating on your driving.

Misato: Huh? Turns around to see a red light and slams the brakes AAAAAAAHHH!

The van screeches to a stop mere millimeters from the side of a car that had been crossing the intersection as part of opposing traffic.

Worldmage eyeing his ramen, which is splattered all over the inside of the windshield: As weird as this sounds, I might feel safer if you let The Dane take the wheel.

Misato to The Dane: You have a license?

The Dane wide-eyed: I'm taking one.

The group finally returns home after a very legal-speeded drive from the intersection onwards. Worldmage prepares himself another bowl of ramen and sets out to play chess with all comers. The first is Ritsuko, who destroys him four times within an hour before becoming bored.

The Dane checks his NERV bank account and signs up for a driver's course. It's evening by the time he's done with that and dinner, so he sits by the kitchen table reading one of his tomes, sipping off a mug of warm, nice tea. He scribbles down stuff on a note-pad next to him and checks with the black-leather book every now and then. After a few hours, nodding with satisfaction, he closes the book, folds together his notes and gets up.

The Dane under his breath: I just hope this turns out to be incorrect.

He goes into the living room where Worldmage is playing chess with Shinji, trying in the spirit of good sportsmanship to let Shinji win—and failing miserably.

Worldmage: Um… check. See, you need to remember the power of a knight. You need to be able to look at the board and see the spaces that the knight can attack in two moves… there and there and there, for example. It's like looking at a scatter-diagram. See? …

Worldmage continues "explaining" the game to Shinji, whose eyes quickly glaze over. The Dane quietly sets down his stuff on a nearby table and walks up to Worldmage, stopping right behind him. He closes his eyes for a moment in deep concentration and suddenly pulls a huge mallet up from his pocket.

The Dane: Hey, buddy. I hate to do this, but I have to confirm a theory.

Worldmage turns around to see The Dane lift the mallet and whap him over the head. Worldmage goes SD with incredible speed and rubs his head where his compatriot hit him. Two Band-Aids crossed over each other appear on the spot where he was hit.

Worldmage: Ow! That hurt, you meanie... Takes out HUGE-O mallet and retaliates, knocking The Dane's lights out.

The Dane in SD, with swirls where his eyes were: Grandma? Please don't hit me again; I promise I'll be a good boy and finish my beer… Gets slammed repeatedly Owowowowowowowowow!

Worldmage's bloodlust wears itself out and The Dane picks up his lights and put them back in.

The Dane growling: Retaliation is fine, but that was too much. Takes out a huge mallet that makes Worldmage and Shinji sweatdrop

Worldmage weakly: Oy Gottenyu—

WHAMMO!

The Dane claps his hands: That should teach you respect. And that we're in an anime-universe.

Worldmage un-SDs and rushes over to The Dane.

Worldmage: What? I just thought that this was a fic. I—that's why you whacked me.

The Dane nods and grins: That's right, son. Tell him what he won, Nicky.

The Dane in twisted, psychotic voice: Sure buddy, I'd love to! Worldmage is now the proud owner of a one-way ticket to hell with accommodations for a companion. Also, he got the bonus prize of a hatchet, a butcher knife and a machete! All a budding serial killer could wish for!

Worldmage disgusted: You are SO sick, man…

Shinji: I have to agree with Worldm— falls silent as The Dane levels him with a glare that comes close to stopping his heart

Shinji: gulps audibly Ehhh… sorry!

The Dane smirks evilly: I just love that. Chuckles

Worldmage annoyed: But what does this mean? I don't know if the "mallet phenomenon" exists in fics as well as manga and anime.

The Dane: I'm pretty sure that hammer-space exists only within anime universes, but we are certainly operating by some rules normally reserved for fics. It seems that your spell has created a rift between the different universes of fic, anime and reality.

Worldmage: My dinky little transportation spell did that?

The Dane: "Shi-ha-kol," my man. I should think that being around a sorcerer would have taught you to make sure you've read the spell properly.

Worldmage testily: Don't start that again. Not in front of Shinji.

The Dane turns to Shinji: Go to bed. Now!

Shinji curious: What? Why?

The Dane: a rumbling growl emanates from deep within his chest

Shinji half-runs to his room: Gomengomengomengomen!

Worldmage: I thought we agreed that you would be easier on the kids.

The Dane in the voice of Satan from South Park: I'm just not happy anymore, Worldmage. You don't nurture my emotions…

Worldmage closes his eyes and grits his teeth: We might be facing a transdimensional rift, and you play around… how the hell did you ever rise to the second order?

The Dane: Being sick and insane helps. And a good memory as well.

Worldmage close to snapping: Fine. I don't want any of your demon crap messing with my wards, though, so if we consult your books, we're going to YOUR room.

The Dane imitates Satan again: Yes honey, my place is fine, but this time I wanna be on top.

Worldmage on the brink of snapping: I'll sic a swarm of elemental nature spirits on you if you don't start taking this situation seriously!

The Dane: No—this time, I get to smack you around. You can't hog all the dominance and sadism.

Worldmage snapping: Go take a chill pill before you go mental and turn into a human nuke, Tetsuo-kun. I don't want to pay your freakin' life insurance just 'cause you forgot your bloody meds!

The Dane puts an arm around Worldmage's shoulder: Good one! I knew you had it in you. You make me proud, son.

Worldmage: weeps

And thus, they go to the den for further research in The Dane's tomes. Later that evening, they reach a conclusion.

The Dane: We need alcohol.

Worldmage: A white dessert wine, please. Something Golani, if you could.

Some time during the small hours of the morning, they reach a far more important conclusion.

Worldmage: So if Third Impact takes place, all of existence will be wiped out?

The Dane: Yup, that's basically what this adds up to. If something that big happens in a world, then it will affect the others. That's the mechanic of such a rift. The energy levels will stretch the portal to infinite size, no matter where it's hiding.

Worldmage: I hate it when the world is in danger of ending. Can't you mend it? You're a sorcerer!

The Dane pondersome: I might be able to do something about it, but I'll need help. Lots of help, and not all of it from human hands. I need a summoning-chamber.

Worldmage: You know how dangerous stuff like that is, especially in an anime-universe.

The Dane casually: Don't worry, I won't try anything stupid. I have a perfectly foolproof plan.

Worldmage chuckles and shakes head: No comment.

The Dane: There's more to everyone than meets the eyes.

Worldmage: You're doing it wrong again.

The Dane: Go blow yourself.

Worldmage: I'd rather not try. Well, then, I have a game of chess and a hunger that needs satiation.

The Dane: Get a grip, fanboy!

The two argue a little more and then go down to the kitchen to get some food.

The Dane: Man, these knees are really bothering me. I sure as hell hope they heal as well as Ritsuko said. But the treatments kinda make them itch.

Worldmage: They should heal well enough; she's a brilliant biologist, after all. And in any case, you're lucky I rewrote it so she didn't go for your clears throat… you know…

The Dane: Yes. But that's OK, as long as she doesn't know—

Asuka cracking a pair of walnuts in her hand: What? What are you talking about?

Worldmage and The Dane in synch, pale as death and with gigantic sweatdrops: Nothing at all, Asuka-chan. Just idle chitchat. ;;;;;

Asuka munching the walnuts with a mischievous grin: M'kay. Whatever.

She cracks another pair with her bare hands, crushing the nuts wholly, making Worldmage and The Dane shudder and wince.

Asuka grinning evilly: Oops… I hate it when they do that. Don't you?

The Dane and Worldmage sweat and nod nervously as Asuka exits the room.

The Dane and Worldmage to each other: She knew, all right.

…

Thus, we await the next episode with anything but bated breath…

Worldmage: I could have done that way better!

The Dane: Drop dead.

Worldmage: I'd rather not.

The Dane: I'm really getting annoyed here.

Worldmage: Let's just get on with the next episode…

Authors' Notes have been cancelled due to technical difficulties


	11. The beginnings of a Fiendish Plot

Disclaimer sung to the tune of "Row, row, row your Boat":

No, no, we don't own  
Any anime  
Don't sue us, don't sue us, don't sue us, don't sue us  
Or we'll run away  
Stanky SI Part 11! Or,  
"Why ME, oh Lord? Why ME?" said the reader

A week later, things had cleared up to an extent. Both authors' wounds had finally healed, and life had settled into a comfortable routine. Shinji had single-handedly taken care of yet another Angel attack… without his Eva. He had gnawed it to death. Shinji had been in a really, really, bad mood, said Ritsuko.

One day in class, Worldmage finally decided to talk to The Dane about one of the many things that were bothering him. He opened their private chat channel.

/You know, we're in this class as student teachers/ he typed.

/So/ This was The Dane's standard response to his friend's troubles.

/So, I'm worried still about being asked to teach. The old coot doesn't seem to know what a curriculum is, so how can we present any material without boring the class, getting a bad report, or both/

/Does it matter whether we get any teacher certificates or not? It seems like either we go home, or the Third Impact destroys all existence as we know it./

/You have a point. But I'd rather be an optimist and assume that we get home safely, and a teacher's certificate could really help. Especially if I visit Japan and need a day job./

/You know that the date on the paper would be fourteen years in the future, right? Man, just have fun. Get some students sloshed, then make fun of them. That's what I did./

/You did WHAT/

/I got Shin-boy drunk during lunch break. Since the Ritsuko experiment backfired on me other than distracting her from Dennis, I wanted to have some fun. Shinji's always a good chump, so I got him completely smashed with the help of my magic bag. Then I introduced him to the fanfiction database you accessed to help us try to navigate our interactions with Gendo and the other NERV employees. Last I checked, he was daydreaming and reading WAFF./

Worldmage was about to type a scathing response when Shinji spoke up from his desk. Although the sensei did not cease to lecture the window, the rest of the class turned to stare.

"Hey, listen to this lemon-flavored me x Asuka WAFF I found online," Shinji mumbled happily. " If only real life was like this: 'The moon light shone on Asuka's porcelain white skin and reflected off of the her sweat. Witch Shinji licked off of her, he like her taste so much. She—'"

He looked up. Even in his disoriented state, Shinji was capable of noticing the deadly silence coming from most of the class, the ominous growling from Asuka's desk, and the pitiful whimpering from Worldmage's.

"It's so BAD," the neurotic author moaned. "Oh God, save me from the bad writing! Her skin's not white, they made spelling errors and grammatical errors, and…"

He was ignored. Everybody, even the teacher by now, was watching with dread as Asuka slowly stood. With painfully deliberate actions, she shut down her (shiny new) laptop and closed the lid. She stalked over to Shinji. She put her hands on her hips and looked down at him for a moment of awful silence, while he stared back up in drunken terror.

One hand lashed out and caught him by the collar. The hapless Unit-01 pilot was hauled bodily into the air by his shirtfront. Asuka held his face about a centimeter from hers, and fixed his eye with a steely glare that would have frightened Angels away.

"That does it," she snarled. "I can't take all this goddamn sexual innuendo anymore, and I figure if you're taken care of, then EVERYBODY" —here she glared at Touji, Kensuke, and The Dane in turn— "will shut the hell up."

She dragged Shinji out of his desk into the aisle. "You and me; we're going outside. And we're going to have a few words. And then you'll sober up, because even a wimp like you deserves a fighting chance. And then we're going to have hot animal sex 'like they do on the Discovery Channel.' And if you don't give me as many orgasms as I want, I'll kick your teeth in. AM I UNDERSTOOD?"

Shinji nodded dumbly. With an exasperated snort, Asuka threw him over her shoulder and stalked out of the room, down the hallway, and out of sight.

Nobody moved or spoke, or even dared to breathe loudly, for seven minutes. Then the stillness was finally broken by the soft **thud** of sensei's body as it hit the floor.

He had apparently taken advantage of the silence to fall asleep.

The Dane turned to Worldmage. "Can I—"

"No." The American stared stonily at his laptop screen.

"Why not?"

"Because this is NOT a lemon. Our rating is high enough because of all the violence and stuff, not to mention your atrocious language."

"So why the fuck not just go a little further?"

"See? That's just what I'm talking about." Worldmage turned angrily to The Dane. "Do you realize, if somebody actually reads or watches this godforsaken fic or manga or anime or whatever it is, then we might get suggestions from the audience about how to get out? So we don't want to scare away any audience members, or make them ashamed of responding. You know what percent of readers bothers to review lemons. Two percent, statistically. Approximately. For us, that would be less than one reader!"

"Fuck off. You're trying to spoil my fun."

It was at this point that Hikari beat them both into bloody pulps with the help of Touji, the element of surprise, and a very large mallet. Thomas would have become upset, had he been there to see.

---

However, Thomas was busy confronting Ritsuko in the bowels of NERV. He had teamed up with Kaji and Misato, and together they were forcing Project E's head scientist to explain some of the organization's shadier secrets. Rei was there too, for reasons nobody fully understood. But she was quiet, so they ignored her. Even though she was once again naked.

"All right, Akagi," Thomas snapped, "what's with all this shit?"

"I think it ought to be obvious," she replied testily. "These are the bowels of NERV. What do you think is supposed to be in bowels, hmm?"

There was a pained silence.

Kaji finally broke the tension with a slightly embarrassed chuckle. "Right. I think what our colleague-in-exile meant was, 'what secrets are you trying to keep from us?' We have evidence that at night, you've been doing strange things involving Tetsuo-kun's kneecaps."

"Yeah," added Misato. "For a while, I thought that you were getting some action without telling me. As it turns out, when you come on to that Dane, he turns away and blows stuff up, but…." She trailed off as the other four turned to stare at her.

"That was so wrong, I'm not even going to make a lewd comment about it," muttered Kaji. He turned back to Ritsuko. "So, tell us what you're doing."

"What were we talking about?"

"Project KNEE. We want to know about Project KNEE."

"Fine." With a defeated sigh, the scientist turned and led the others up into the spleen of NERV. Instead of riding one of the building's usual sliding-clicker elevators, they took the stairs. Finally, she led them into small, round room with a large tube of reinforced glass from floor to ceiling. The room was dark except for an eerie red glow that didn't quite illuminate anything.

"Excuse me." Kaji pulled the red construction paper off of the light fixtures, which brightened the room considerably. Ritsuko blinked in the sudden relative brilliance.

"Whoa," she remarked. "I knew I forgot some part of the cleanup after our last Halloween party. Thanks." Then she pushed a button on a remote control in her pocket. Slowly, a giant tank filled with swirling amber liquid sank down from the ceiling. Rei watched impassively; the three adults stared with a mixture of horror and fascination.

"My God, woman," muttered Thomas. "This is hideous."

Kaji disagreed. "I don't know, I think it's kind of kinky. Kind of puts me in the mood, you know? Maybe I can get it on with both Ritsuko and Misato; that'd be cool."

Misato was too busy being shocked to slap him. "What— what is this?" she gasped.

"You all know," said Ritsuko, "about the bowels of NERV. You also know about Rei, who is its secret heart. This is the spleen of NERV, and the key to the future of our funding."

"This is the Shameless Plug System."

The entire tank was full of living, disembodied kneecaps.

"Shameless Plug?" asked Misato, staring.

"Yes. We have discovered that the bodies of fanfic authors, especially sarcastic ones who like to MST, are infused even on a genetic level with the need to advertise something, _anything_. If they like a product or a fic, they'll tend to mention it in their own writing and urge others to partake as well. Lacking that, they'll go to great lengths to advertise themselves. I grew these kneecaps from The Dane's material, and that yellow liquid is ramen-soup broth I synthesized and distilled from Worldmage's bloodstream. This," she indicated the glass tube, "is part of a gigantic, three-story bong that we use to keep the kneecaps sedated; at some future time we will unleash them upon the world to bring in the funding we need to maintain the Geofront."

Rei interrupted. "Too much exposition. This is supposed to be a humor-fic, which requires fast-moving dialogue and plotlines."

Misato shifted her stare from the tube to Rei without missing a beat, or even blinking. Ritsuko explained. "She's a bit jealous. Her big thing is the Dummy Plug system, which is designed to make Shinji feel like a 'baka.' She becomes very upset when the spotlight is on any of my other projects."

Thomas broke into the conversation again, glaring suspiciously at the scientist. "I don't believe that that's all you use that… glass thing for. It just doesn't make sense."

"Well…" Ritsuko fidgeted.

Suddenly, Gendo's slurred voice wafted up from the floor below the spot penetrated by the tube. "Riiiiiii-tchaaaaan…." He was clearly not his usual self.

"Shit," muttered the scientist. She turned and made for the door.

The voice continued. "Oh, Ritsu, do you still have the rest of the stuff you raided from Tetsuo's stash? Fusu— Fuyutsku— Fuusuki— Kozo wants another head loaded into the booo-ooong… and I want some head too—can you help me?" There was the sound of poorly suppressed snickering.

"Excuse me," snapped Ritsuko to the others. "I feel the need to go bite something." She hurried out of the room and down the stairs.

Kaji clutched his stomach. "I think I'm going to throw up." He grabbed Misato. "Not that I'm not still horny," he said slyly, and together they moved off into a dark corner and became intimate—for a brief moment, until she socked him in the gut and stormed out of the room.

"Honestly, men are such perverts," she huffed.

Thomas shook his head violently. It killed 9,873,452 brain cells, but he felt a lot better after doing it. Then he left the Geofront as quickly as possible.

Rei went downstairs, to discover that Ritsuko had given in to one of Gendo's evil demands. With nothing better to do, everybody's favorite clone pulled out a pad of paper and a pencil (from Ritsuko's lab coat, of course) and took notes, with an occasional speculative glance at the bong.

---

When Thomas got home, he found his two charges slumped over the kitchen table. Worldmage was discussing irrelevant things very seriously, and The Dane was drinking. Beer. Heavily. Even for him, he was drinking a lot.

Worldmage was griping as usual. "I don't like this. We have our magic and other powers operating at full capacity despite this being a magic-poor world, and we even have new powers due to the effects of living in an anime-universe. On the other hand, our author powers still aren't working. Stuff is getting weird. My sense of humor is less effective. As if I had one to begin with. I no longer like the taste of beef. Now my sentences are short. Like this one. Too short. Damn."

"I don't see what that has to do with anything."

"Don't you understand? This is the NGE universe! When stuff gets all weird and secrets are revealed, that means it's close to the end! People are going to die or be severely mangled or at least turn into goo! And then we have Third Impact to deal with!"

Thomas spoke up. "What is that?"

Worldmage jumped, turned, and stared at the Danish protector. "Well," he said at last, "it used to just be the end of the world as we know it, and I felt fine about that. But now, due to an unfortunate coincidence of synchronicity—"

"Meaning it's all his fault," translated The Dane to Thomas.

"—As I was saying, due to a sad mishap, 3I looks like it will destroy all possible worlds of anime, fiction, and reality itself. A dimensional-nexus transfluctuationary rift will tear apart the fabric of all worlds in a cataclysmic, uh, a cataclysmic… thing. Bugger all."

"A cataclysmic buggerall?"

"No! I can't think of an appropriate word for it to be a cataclysmic example of."

Worldmage pulled out a thesaurus. The Norsemen shrugged and turned away. Thomas asked The Dane, "Does this have something to do with NERV's 'Project E?' Can you give me the details on that?"

"Yes and no. There's a lot of debate, and if I say something definitively, part of our readership may become upset."

Thomas blinked in complete and utter confusion. The Dane continued. "And furthermore, I'm too piss-drunk to care. I'm going to go get a big drink of water so I'm not hung over tomorrow, and then I'm going to sleep."

"But it's only seventeen-hundred hours!"

"I ate already." The Dane left.

Thomas turned back to Worldmage, but he was scribbling in a small notebook, mumbling to himself. "'A cataclysmic Armageddon'—no, an _apocalypse_—'of destruction'? 'A veritable Ragnarok of ultimate annihilation'? No…"

Maya knocked timidly at the door, then slipped off her shoes and tiptoed inside. "Um, excuse me," she asked Thomas. "Kaji said that there was going to be an orgy here with him, Misato, and my sempai. Do you know what room it's in?"

She was very startled when he dove out the window and fled, yelling about "stupid Americans and crazy Japanese." She leaned out, and smiled as she watched him run. "He's a very shy boy," she murmured, "but he's got a cute butt. Maybe we should invite him to join in next time."

Later that evening, when the rest of the household (which at the moment consisted of Shinji, Asuka and Dennis, plus the dozen-odd cats that remained) were eating dinner, Thomas returned and asked why The Dane had been in such a strange mood. Asuka explained.

"He opened the closet door," she said. Then she grinned at Shinji, who flashed a weak smile and passed out onto the table.

"OK…" Thomas considered this for a moment, then, "forget I asked."

Dennis suddenly stood up. "I'm bored," he announced. "Do you mind if I stir up some trouble?"

Asuka pulled out a walnut and crushed it in her fist. "Not at all, as long as the trouble doesn't inconvenience me." She smiled sweetly, finished dinner, and left the room with Shinji in tow.

Dennis wiped some sweat from his brow and turned to Thomas. He smiled, and suddenly his mouth was full of too many teeth, each six inches long and wickedly pointed. His horns grew out, blood-red and gnarled, and his eyes glowed like unearthly black-light light-bulbs—the kind that have just been shoved into eye sockets so that they look like they're looking at you. He hissed, "so, _mortal_, what would you do if I told you that I was heir to a Demon-Lord's power?" Shifting mists suddenly darkened the room; flames licked at the edge of reality.

Thomas considered again. "I think I'd kill you simultaneously in three or four gruesome yet quiet and efficient ways," he said. And so he did.

—

In the den, Worldmage sat bolt upright. "What the HELL was that?"

He rushed into the hall to meet The Dane, who had burst out of his room in a suddenly sober state. "Did you feel that?" he asked.

"Yes," said the sorcerer grimly. "Tremendous power was unleashed: first in fun, then in anger, and finally in death. My books say that it was coming from the dining room."

Worldmage stopped. "Your books chat and tell you stuff? Bloody useful."

The Dane shrugged modestly. "Yeah, they're cool." They paused for a beat, then hurried to the dining room. However, they only thing left to do was cleanup. Of the after-dinner dishes, that is. Thomas had proved to be a very tidy killer.

—

Deep underground, Gendo sat bolt upright at the same time as Worldmage did. "What the HELL was that?" he snapped.

"Mmfh," said Ritsuko. Fuyutsuki looked up dizzily from the floor where he was lying, and snickered loudly.

"It looks like she—" he started.

"No, that's not what I meant," said Gendo quickly, regaining his usual calm. He pushed Ritsuko out of his way and stood up, straightening and doing up his uniform with short, sharp motions. "I don't like this."

** I bet you don't like it,** said a deep and hideous voice. **I'm going to make sure that you don't like it at all, forever and ever, unless you give me my son back. And I KNOW that you have my son here in this forsaken snot-hole of a world. I heard him calling out to me.**

Gendo turned to look up at Fuggyu, the demon-lord of the Sixth Abyss, as that dread and terrible being materialized out of the darkness of the gall bladder of NERV. He frowned and looked at Fuyutsuki. "This was _not_ part of the schedule," he said.

Meanwhile, back in the dining room, the authors were conferring over Dennis' remains, which Thomas had packed into one of those little Chinese food take-out boxes.

"Not good." That was Worldmage.

"Nope." And that was the Dane, factually.

"Bad, in fact."

"Yup."

"_You_ summoned him. And it was _your_ protector who did this to him. So, YOU can talk to the damn demon-lord when he gets pulled here by the force of that shockwave."

The Dane was indignant. "Hey, I called upon the demon in the first place to try to get us home, which was more than you've done. And you were thankful for Thomas' protection, if I recall. And furthermore, how can you be against Dennis getting killed? I thought you hated him!"

"Well, yeah. Dammit, if I had known this would happen, I would have killed the freak myself and at least had the pleasure of it. But, um…I really didn't want to tell you this, but…." Worldmage fidgeted. "It's a kind of long story. Shall we sit down?"

"Fine." The Dane sat and folded his arms. Thomas leaned against the wall and folded his as well. Worldmage pulled out a bowl of ramen and cup of tea, and arranged himself in a storytelling posture. He looked like a geek. The truth is, though, he was really a nerd.

"It all began nearly five thousand years ago," he said. "I was a shepherd, and a goat-herd, and a tent-maker in my spare time. One day… I'm not sure exactly when, but I suppose it doesn't matter… I met a wise man of the clan of Aiammah-mentat, who—"

"Skip it and get to the relevant stuff."

"Right…. later I discovered, quite by accident, that doing certain things with a black stone, a piece of copper, and some lamb's blood would summon minor spirits to me. I hadn't read _Faust_ yet at that point. At any rate, I knew enough to bind these spirits in magic circles, and made them teach me more magic in return for their freedom. It was the added help of these outside sources, and my natural enjoyment of things that would bore most people unto death, that led me through Applied Kabbalah with relative ease.

"It wasn't long—only a couple millennia—before I was entering the worlds I had written and discovering the use of author powers and world-specific powers; the former are innate control over something you had a hand in creating, and the latter are the 'laws of physics' of a given world—such as our ability to sweat-drop and SD here."

"And pull ramen out of Hammerspace. I know; I know. Tell me something new."

"Hang on. At any rate, I visited Voron's Sub-Normal realm—"

"Wh—"

"Don't ask. I made the mistake of looking into one of the closets there, and to make a long story short I ended up arousing the wrath of Fuggyu, demon-lord of the Sixth Abyss, by accidentally slaying his brother. Well, not so much 'slaying' as simply causing his death. But to demons, it was the same thing, so his entire extended family tried to kill me. I tried to get away with my life, with some success. After our encounter, he had one son left: the only one too young to send after my blood. Incidentally, that son was named Densen. Also known as Dennis. Furthermore, I somehow managed to banish Fuggyu from the Earth for ten thousand years, and had to do some damage to his holdings in the sixth abyss while esc— leaving. He wants me very, very dead. And he doesn't care who gets in his way."

"So what you're saying is that I almost summoned the one demon-lord you've managed to piss off? Talk about lucky he was away!"

Worldmage put his head in his hands. "He's not the only one angry with me. He's just the one in particular who put those three women on my tail, and had lesser demons possess pan-handlers, and sent that swarm of very angry ferrets after me. He's far stronger than I, so I ran to you for help because as a sorcerer, you ought to know how to handle that stuff."

"I'm good," admitted The Dane. "But a demon-lord is a challenge even for me. And he's here in this world, now that Dennis is dead. Shit. And Gendo's got us right where he wants us, and Third Impact could annihilate all of existence, and we're stuck in a fic, and I haven't scored yet."

"Right."

"So it's time for the big gunfight at the OK Geofront?"

"Close. First, we'll gather all the allies and help we can. Next, you research the extent of our powers that we gain by being magic-users in an anime world, and I'll look for our author powers. If either of us gets into trouble we can't handle on our own—"

"In other words, if you try to walk and chew gum at the same time—"

"—then he calls the other one and heads for the Geofront. That will offer some protection because the Eva units and Gendo will naturally defend it from any threats that would hurt NERV. I estimate that everything will go down about three chapters from now, give or take one."

"Let's hope that parts twelve and thirteen are long ones, then. I want some action; you've been hogging the text with all this dialogue and monologue stuff. And damn it, you turned the action serious again. How am I supposed to co-write a _humor_-fic with you if you screw it up all the time?" The Dane frowned at Worldmage, who shrugged apologetically and sweat-dropped.

"Sorry."

"Don't you go all Shinji on me, Juboi. Next time you anger a demon-lord and fuck up a spell and lose our author-powers and stick us in a fic that can't even decide what format to use, and where I can't get laid even once by a cute anime girl, do NOT come running to me for help, because it ain't gonna happen!"

"Nice long sentence there."

"It could have been longer."

They stood up and left the room. Thomas was still leaning against the wall. He would stay there for most of the night, trying to figure out what the hell they had been talking about. But he fell asleep before he could, and was consequently in a very bad mood the next morning.

Meanwhile, the pilots' school teacher was sitting in his two-mat study room in the suburbs of Tokyo-3. He pulled a single sheet of white paper out of his briefcase and studied it sadly.

At the top of the page was printed the word CURRICULUM. In the middle of the otherwise blank page, there was one typewritten sentence. Every day, the teacher read this sentence to himself, trying to find something that would give meaning to his existence. As usual, he failed.

It said:

TALK TO WINDOW ABOUT SECOND IMPACT UNTIL STUDENTS FALL ASLEEP

The teacher sighed. "I hate my job."

—

Authors' Notes: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! HAHAHAHAH! HA! HA! Heh… oy…


End file.
